


I Will Bring You Flowers

by PlayingGambit



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Chronic Hanahaki, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Or Is It?, Unrequited Love, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:40:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 41,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25989094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlayingGambit/pseuds/PlayingGambit
Summary: Captain James T. Kirk has a weird allergy. He has a lot of them, really, but this one takes the cake. Not only is he coughing up flowers, he doesn't even know why he's doing it! Until a few years later, when he learns about the rare disease he has that is tied up in some way to his first officer.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 64
Kudos: 322





	1. The Two Year Recap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was basically born of my love of angst but also my annoyance at how most Hanahaki fics I read kind of turn into "if you don't love me I'll die" cases. So I wanted Chronic Hanahaki! Basically its like allergy season, not necessarily life threatening. It comes once a year as long as you're still stuck with your one-sided love.  
> I hope you guys enjoy even though I mostly wrote it just for me. It took me over a month to write.

It started with a sore throat. Shortly after he failed the Kobayashi Maru for the second time. He’s making another attempt, he’s already scheduled it. He’ll find the answer. There is _always_ a way out. There are no no-win scenarios, no matter what the designer of the test, _Commander_ Spock, said.

James Kirk stood in his room, fixing his uniform as he got ready for class, cleared his throat. It could be allergies. There’s no way he caught a cold and there’s almost always something near enough to trigger his long ass list of allergies. He cleared his throat again as he put on his shoes.

“What did you do?” Bones asked, entering their shared room from the hallway, he’s between classes. 

“Why am I always to blame?” Jim asked back, definitely not whining. “I didn’t _do_ anything. The board ruled in my favor so I’m not suspended and nothing is going on my record.”

Bones rolled his eyes, tossing his padd on the bed and taking his shirt off as fast as possible. He hated to stay in his uniform longer than necessary. “I’m not talking about that stupid stunt you pulled last week at the bar, I’m talking about your throat. Do I need to examine you before you head out? Make sure you don’t pass along a sickness and start the whole academy on a virus?” He smoothed down his undershirt and grabbed his medical bag and started digging around while he was talking, not even waiting for an answer.

“I just woke up. It’s probably just morning voice, Bones. I haven’t been anywhere or with anyone to _get_ sick. If it’s anything it’s probably just allergies.” He grabbed his stuff quickly so he could get out of the room before Bones found his tricorder.

“I thought you’d say that.” Bones replied casually as he turned around and stabbed something into Jim’s neck with probably more force than necessary.

“OW! What was that!?” Jim shouted, rubbing his neck as he tried to leave. 

“Allergy shot. Have fun at class.”

Jim left the room, hand on his neck, still grumbling obscenities at Bones as he made his way to class. For all his childishness, the shot seemed to do a pretty good job. He didn’t have to clear his throat again most of the day. The soreness of it faded to a distance he’s able to ignore and it seemed like that was all it needed to be.

Until he was seated in Interspecies Ethics and saw a certain pointy eared Commander instead of his usual teacher.

“First off, I will begin by informing you all that Admiral Veruk’eth had a familial emergency today, which is why I am taking over all classes this week. As we are on similar teaching schedules, my replacement of him should cause no distress to your current course. I am Commander Spock. I teach this course on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s.” After his announcements, he turned their attention to their padds and started in on the day’s scheduled course.

Jim had taken the Monday/Friday course of this class for the past two years, never once knowing that Commander Spock was even a teacher. He, stupidly, thought he was just an engineer. He literally _only_ knew Commander Spock as ‘the bastard who made the stupid test’.

You know what? He nodded to himself, that’s on him. He should have done his research. You don’t just choose to have a vendetta on someone without doing research.

He’s midway through the class before his throat gets scratchy again. He cleared his throat a few times in 30 minutes before Spock decided he was being a nuisance.

“Cadet Kirk, do you have something to add?” He asked, voice even enough to pass for typical Vulcan stoic but with enough spark in his eyes for Kirk to understand he’s annoyed. He knows when people have a problem with him. He’s had years worth of study material.

“Allergies, sir.” He answered, hoping he sounded sincere enough to not cause any trouble. He really didn’t want to have another reason to go before the academy board so soon after he just had one.

Commander Spock nodded. “Very well, continuing on-” There’s only 15 minutes left in class and Kirk managed to clear his throat only twice more during that time.

Afterwards, when class was over and everyone was filing out, Commander Spock called Jim over and Jim stalled just long enough to make sure no one else was around if he was going to get his ass chewed out for causing a disturbance.

“Cadet Kirk, I’ve taken the liberty of writing down a few teas that might work well for soothing your throat.” He slid over a piece of actual paper with a list of teas written on it and Kirk’s eyebrows shot up as he took it and read over it. There’s quite more than ‘a few’. “As I do not know the nature or span of your allergies, I have included a variety. I surmise at least one of these will suffice.”

Kirk nodded, folded the paper, and stuck it in his pocket. “Thank you.” His hackles were still a little up so he shifted a bit and locked eyes with the Commander. It startled him how brown they were. How human they looked. Bright, like there was sunlight always hitting him. “If you don’t mind me asking, _Commander_. How did you know my name?”

Commander Spock raised an eyebrow. Whether it was at the tone Kirk couldn’t help using for ‘Commander’ or at the question, Kirk didn’t know.

“Only a handful of students in my 4 years of running the Kobayashi Maru scenario have ever attempted the test twice. I still remember all of their names. As for a third time, you are the first.”

Jim smiled, was this a compliment? Was he calling Jim tenacious? Was he impressed?

Commander Spock inclined his head. “Your reaction indicates you believe this to be a good thing. In fact, it is not. To take the test multiple times reinforces my thinking that you have not learned what it is set out to teach.” Jim's smile almost dropped but he kept it up in good faith and nodded at the Commander. Spock nodded back, choosing to ignore the spark in Cadet Kirk’s blue eyes that reminded him about rip currents, and started to gather his things, ready to leave his class for the day and get ready to supervise more tests in the scenario.

Jim turned to leave first, waving goodbye at the Commander as he went. “I’ll see you in two weeks.” He said as he left.

Spock stopped for a moment, a slight down tilt of his mouth. He would see Cadet Kirk Friday for the next class. But no. Jim meant for his next attempt at the test.

Kirk, once out in the hallway and lost in the flow of cadets heading to their next class, opened the list of teas Commander Spock had given him. He was allergic to most of them. But some, he allowed, sounded good enough to try. If anything it would be like allergy Russian roulette. He’d either find things he could drink or he’d find a few more items to add to his ‘do not touch’ list.

He coughed a few times on the way to the cafe he knew was nearby, just off campus. He stopped long enough to order something and then went to the bathroom to continue coughing. He had a hard enough fit once in the stall that he bent over the toilet just in case he made himself puke. He could feel something in his throat and he coughed hard enough to force it out.

“What the fuck?” He whispered, staring down at three small leaves, deep violet edged in iridescent blue. 

He didn’t tell Bones about the leaves. He barely believed it himself. He left the cafe that day, almost forgetting his tea but turning and grabbing it when the barista called his name urgently, and damn near ran to his room.

Bones was gone, probably at another class, but he left his bag on the bed where it had been when he attacked Jim earlier that morning. Jim went through it looking for the tricorder and scanned himself once he found it.

Normal readings except for a slight uptick in allergen response. He flicked through it and found none of the tea ingredients, no dust or pollen that was currently in the air. The only thing he could find on the list was Kal’ta, a plant that wasn’t native to here and shouldn’t have been in his drink. So where the hell was it coming from to irritate his allergies?

He threw the tricorder back in Bones’ bag and flopped onto his own bed. Maybe someone had gotten it and it was in their room. Maybe someone made a perfume out of it and was wearing it nearby. There could’ve been any reason in a long list of reasons why a non native plant was irritating him.

There was, however, no reason for coughing up leaves.

James T. Kirk spent none of his time thinking about it.

Two weeks later he was on a ship and headed to a distress call from Vulcan. He didn’t have time to think about the week before and how he repeatedly kept coughing up blue leaves in various toilets and trash cans. He had made his way through about half of the list of teas Commander Spock had given him and he had a name to give Bones for why his throat was getting itchy to begin with. 

The only downside to that was the periodic stabbing he got from a hypospray.

Then, he was way too busy to think about the leaves. They all were.

At some point, after a whole fucking planet was destroyed and Spock decided to leave Captain Pike for dead, Kirk woke up on an ice planet called Delta Vega. Covered in bruises. On a fucking. Ice planet. For suggesting they stick around to save Captain Pike.

That was very nice of _acting Captain_ Spock.

Kirk was glad that he only had to stop once during his trek across the planet to cough up his stupid blue leaves. Any more than that and he could’ve very well been EATEN by the monsters that acting Captain Spock had left him to deal with on his own.

Then. Well. Then he met someone very interesting.

Kirk’s heart was broken. He felt nothing but pain and anguish until he was able to separate those feelings of _Spock_ from his own. ‘Emotional transference’, Spock had called it. Luckily, those memories and emotions directly shared by Spock were the only things he got. And the few answers to questions he directly asked. 

If any others had come through to him it surely would’ve been some sort of interference with a time travel/alternate reality paradox rule set or… something. Spock told Kirk not to mention to _Captain_ Spock that he even existed. There had to have been rules about something for him to mention that.

Kirk had taken a second to cough up a few more blue leaves and when he asked Spock about it, he only shrugged. So it was either a secret that he couldn’t reveal, or it was something that his Kirk didn’t have to deal with.

The only other thing was. Spock had mentioned that he and _this_ Spock would be friends. Or that they _were_ friends. Alternate him was friends with alternate Spock, that much could have been true. Kirk couldn’t imagine how it would happen in this reality. This Spock had marooned him on an ice planet.

It was only by sheer luck and amazing skill that he even made it back to the Enterprise.

Then. _Acting Captain_ Spock had to be emotionally compromised. He left the bridge and control of the ship to Kirk. 

The bruises on Jim’s skin only furthered to serve as fuel for his original Kobayashi Maru vendetta. 

Mister Spock, however, being completely unaware of that vendetta, or perhaps furthering his own somehow, came back on bridge to volunteer for Kirk’s plan. Kirk’s plan that had originally gotten him marooned on a fucking ice planet, not even two hours ago. Fine. He wants to help? Let him.

It’s not too much later that Kirk realized they are in fact a very good team. Not something he would have ever thought about back in the main room at the academy when he was being held on trial for cheating on a fixed test being run by Commander Spock.

He’s not sure Spock feels the same, but to his respect, he’s at least playing nice.

When Captain Kirk takes command of the Enterprise properly, _First Officer_ Spock is ready and volunteering to do so. Maybe older Spock was right about them being friends. Maybe that could actually happen.

It’s all very exciting and Jim is genuinely pleased, genuinely looking forward to all the future has to offer after such a bumpy start. So much so, that he doesn’t even think about blue leaves again.

Until a year later.

“Shit.” He muttered through a scratchy throat. Spock had stabbed him in the back. His _friend_ Spock. He was reassigned to the USS Bradbury. Kirk himself was reassigned as First Officer, thankfully enough, still on the Enterprise. He cleared his throat as he entered the room and sat into the seat next to Captain Pike.

All in all, Spock had been an emotionless bastard about the whole ordeal but Kirk was narcissistic enough to admit to himself that he knew Spock better than Spock thought he did. They had been working together for a year by that point. He knew there was genuine remorse for filing that report that got him demoted. He knew Spock didn’t intend for him to get in trouble. That Spock didn’t mean for them to be separated. That, however, didn’t change the outcome. Didn’t change the hurt he felt from being betrayed by his friend.

Kirk shifted in his seat as First Officer and cleared his throat again.

Then, beyond all belief, everything went to shit even further.

After being reinstated as Captain, Kirk made sure his first request after the mission approval, was to reinstate Spock as his First. He knew, despite the fucking stab in the back, that they worked well together and that they were friends and that he _needed_ Spock to make sure he wouldn’t kill himself doing exactly the things he is want to do.

It annoyed him, god did it ever, but he knew he needed someone to keep his ego in check. He knew that person had to be Spock.

Right after Scotty resigned from the ship, Kirk found himself coughing in the bathroom of his quarters. It could have been nerves. It could have been anger. It could have been just the fact that he lost the only father figure he ever had and then immediately lost a friend, in a different, but still largely impactful way.

It could have been explained as all of the above, really. What couldn’t be explained, was the handful of tiny leaves floating in the toilet water. It was the only thing there besides the bile and what was possibly stomach acid. He coughed again out of reflex, another little leaf dropping to join the others.

“Well shit.” He whispered.

The next few hours were, as usual, very busy for him. He started to wonder if his little leaves were an omen. A harbinger of worse things to come for him. Considering the track record, so far they were two for two. 

The next few weeks were even worse than those original hours. 

Knowing that he had left the ship in _Captain_ Spock’s capable hands, he wasn’t too worried about dying. He made the climb to the reactor, kicked the warp core back into place, and he felt pretty damn good about the whole thing. Aside from, the uh, you know, the radiation poison that was killing him. 

But still. It was pretty fucking cool to see Spock admit finally that they were friends. It only took Jim literally dying for Spock to admit it.

Poor Scotty saw it happen. Spock did too but Kirk was sure that with the way he purged emotion, Spock could deal with it much better than Scotty would. 

No one realized that Spock would break his emotional barriers immediately and go full tilt murder-Vulcan.

And in that vein, no one realized _then_ that the worry should have been on Bones too.

Bones refused, absolutely would not under any circumstances, allow this to be where James T. Kirk ended, how he would go down in history as dying.

So he didn’t.

After Jim woke up two weeks later, he didn’t think about the strange leaves that seemed to precede his worst moments in history. He didn’t need to. He didn’t see them again.

For another year at least.


	2. Pull the Weeds, Clear the Garden

“Maybe it’s seasonal.” He said, clearing his throat as Bones finished his scan.

“That would make sense if you were on earth. Or any planet with seasons and not a star ship in the middle of goddamned space.” He snapped. “Why didn’t you mention this sooner?”

Kirk shrugged. Which was the wrong thing to do since Bones nearly growled at him for it. He held up his hands in surrender. “Listen, I don’t know! Just that, every time it happened, something much worse happened after it so I was always, you know,” He shrugged again. “Distracted.”

Bones studied the readings for a second while he asked, as calmly as he could. “What could possibly distract you from coughing up leaves?”

Kirk sighed. “The first time was when Vulcan was destroyed. The second was Khan.”

Bones made brief eye contact, free of anger or judgement, and then went back to studying his readings. “I see.”

“The only reason I’m really even mentioning it now is because they directly preceded two of the worst things that have ever happened to me and I’m worried something will happen again.”

As far as things to say go, that wasn’t a smart thing for him to say.

“ _The only reason??_ ” Bones repeated angrily. “Jim, you better rethink your phrasing and give it to me again!”

Jim did so, quickly. “ _One_ of the reasons I’m mentioning it now. The other’s including but not limited to, it’s an anomaly that I need to have checked up on. Doctor.”

He nodded. “That’s better.” He put the tricorder away for now and checked the other equipment he had Jim hooked up to. “Your readings are normal aside from a slight allergen spike. I’ll give you a shot now for it and a few that you can keep in your room and on your person just in case it gets more severe. If you are worried about omens, which I’m inclined not to believe in, make sure you don’t take any unnecessary risks in the next few days. I’ll submit my findings and do some more research on your condition. Did you happen to save any of these leaves?”

Kirk shook his head. “They’re different every time. Would it matter?”

Bones shrugged in a way that made it look like he was just stretching the stress out of his neck. “It might. The first time was that plant you told me might have been in a perfume?”

“Kal’ta.” Kirk answered, almost surprised he still remembered the name for it.

“Chances are you’re allergic to the plant itself, which is causing these reactions. If nothing else, it’d be nice to have a sample just to be able to identify another item on your allergen list.”

“Got it. Next time I puke I’ll save it just for you, Bones.”

“If you send me a bag of puke I’ll kill you myself.” Bones threatened, stabbing an allergy shot into Kirk’s neck and walking out to get his extras.

Kirk cleared his throat one last time before the allergy shot made the itchiness more bearable. Bones brought back five hyposprays, four for his room, one to keep on himself at all times.

“Cough up your plant, _rinse it off_ , send it to me.” He clapped a hand on Jim’s shoulder, somehow a warning and a comfort. “Stay out of trouble, kid.”

“Don’t I always?” Kirk asked with a smile as he jumped off the biobed and headed to his quarters to drop off the hyposprays. He thankfully wouldn’t return to shift for another few hours. Which gave him plenty of time to wonder about his current situation.

It only took two days for Bones to get back with him about it. The day before, Jim had sent him a few of the things he coughed up. These looked less like leaves and more like roots. Some were longer, thicker, they looked like plant shoots.

He commed Kirk as soon as he knew he was off duty and told him to report to sick bay.

“So I’ve been doing research and there’s quite a few things at play here. For one, both of the plants I was able to identify have originated on Vulcan.”

“New Vulcan?”

Bones shook his head. “The original.”

Kirk was confused. “How is that?” 

“My question exactly. Which I may have an answer for.” He turned the padd in his hand towards Kirk and it showed a page of a rare sickness. Kirk scrunched his eyebrows as he took the padd from Bones, reading, as Bones told him what was on the padd anyway. “It’s called Hanahaki disease. It originated on earth back when it first became a hub for intergalactic travel. It’s believed to have started as a mutagen from an alien disease, possibly several.”

“Bones, this doesn’t make sense. It says you cough up flowers and then you die. I’ve been coughing up _leaves_ for two years now.”

Bones reached over and swiped to another page where he had highlighted some things. “There are variants.”

Chronic Hanahaki. That was the variant Bones thought Jim might have. It meant he would cough up shit every allergy season until this was taken care of.

He shook his head, gestured uselessly to the padd. “What does it mean, Bones? How did it start and how am I supposed to cure it?”

Bones looked fairly uncomfortable. “It’s caused by unrequited love, Jim.”

Jim looked frustrated. “I’m not in love, Bones. With anyone. What does this mean?”

Bones held his hands up. “I’m not sure. But my best guess, given the time it started and the identity of the plants you’ve already coughed up, maybe you had someone you loved on Vulcan when it was destroyed. Do you remember crossing paths with a Vulcan during our time at the academy?” 

Kirk shut his eyes, shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. That can’t be right. He, sure, he did come across a Vulcan or two, but none he would have ever thought he loved. Not deep enough to start a case of ‘unrequited love’. Even when he was sleeping around at the academy, he had never slept with a Vulcan. The only Vulcan he even knew past a surname was Spock.

“No?” He said, unsure. 

Bones nodded. “Alright.” He took the padd back and flicked through a few more pages. “The good news is, you have the variation of this that’s least likely to kill you. The bad news is, if you did have a love that’s been killed, you’ll either have to deal with this every season until you die or until you fall in love with someone else, someone who loves you back. So that just means we’ll have to be very strict on your allergy shots. How many do you have left?”

Kirk looked at the floor.

“Jim. How many hypos do you have left?”

“One.”

Bones made a series of frustrated noises before settling on. “In _two_ days you’ve managed to go through _four_ allergy shots??”

“I had to take a shot before shift to make sure I’m not distracted. Then … It’s worse at night when I’m trying to sleep. I can’t breathe unless I take the shot. The longer I go without one, the worse the things I cough up are.”

“The shoot you sent me?”

Kirk flinched. “Was the smallest one.”

“How long?” ‘Was the longest one’, Jim knew he wanted to finish with but was too angry to force the rest of the words out.

“An inch and a half.”

“Dammit, Jim! You can asphyxiate yourself on these things!” He quickly took stock and shook his head. “You’ll take your last shot tonight before you go to sleep so you need more immediately. I’ll check the ship’s supply and see how many we can afford to give you and then we’ll see how soon we need to ask for more.”

“Two a day is an awful lot, Bones. I don’t think we’re stocked enough for that. They’re emergency use supplies which means they’re only on-loaded as a last resort type thing.”

Bones waved his concerns away as he checked the stock supply on his padd. “When we got approval for the five year mission I put in a request for additional allergy hypos, on top of some other things. I supplied your medical history, as well as a few other crew members, and got approval for almost everything I asked for.” He made a few quick swipes before humming an answer. “Allergy shots were, in fact, approved. I can allocate you enough for this coming week and then I’ll submit my findings to star fleet to request an additional supply drop.” He pulled up Kirk’s medical records and swiped through the logs until he got to the allergy bits. “Your last recording of seasonal allergies lasted a month. Does that still track as far as you know?”

Kirk shrugged. “Like I said, a lot happened the last two times I started coughing up plants. But it seemed to last maybe two weeks.”

Bones nodded. “Let me know as your situation changes, we need to be on top of this. I’ll allocate your two weeks' supply now and put in the request immediately. If it does extend to a full month, and we have to deal with this a full month every year for 5 years, we’ll need a lot more than what we currently have on board. Not to mention, leaving enough for any other crew member emergencies.”

Kirk nodded. “Submit your request with my approval, let the fleet know I’m at least trying to take care of myself.” He smiled, it wasn’t as strong as his usual smiles, Bones knew that but he nodded with a slight quirk of his own mouth to show that he agreed.

As soon as Bones was gone to retrieve Jim’s hyposprays, Jim allowed himself to overthink. Every allergy season for as long as he lived. Damn. He hated his allergies before, this would be a nightmare. Already was, really. His throat was sore and it was only 3 days into what was at least 14 and at, hopefully, most would be 30. He didn’t know if he could deal with coughing up another stem.

As it turned out, he could deal with it, but he would hate it every second it took. Day 4 at 0300 hours, off duty Captain Kirk found himself in the bathroom of his cabin choking and hacking over a stem that refused to move out of his throat. It took him almost a full minute to coax it out far enough for him to reach in and grab it out himself with his fingers. He pulled it out and threw it into the sink as he finished retching into the toilet where smaller bits and pieces of the plant, Varalinth, Bones had told him, settled into the water.

There was a knock on the door of the bathroom. He turned to his own room, where the door was left open, before he remembered with a curse that he shared the bathroom with Spock, and Spock was also off duty right now.

“Give me a sec.” He shouted to the door adjoining Spock’s quarters. He cursed quietly as he flushed the toilet and washed his face off in the sink, rinsing the plant root while he did so, drying with a towel before unlocking the door on Spock’s side. “What’s up, Spock?” He smiled, an inside joke since Spock would never understand the extremely old terran reference.

“Captain, are you feeling unwell?”

“To what are you referring, Commander?” Kirk knew he looked like hell. He could feel it, but he kept his smile up.

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Captain.” He said, in a tighter than usual tone of voice. His ‘I’m not about to stand here and play games with you’ tone of voice. “I heard retching. Quite loudly, since I was able to hear it through the closed door and my meditation.”

“Sorry to disturb your meditation, Mister Spock. It’s nothing really, allergy season for me.” Another raised brow, though Spock didn’t interrupt to point out there were no seasons on a star ship. “I’ve already met with Bones about it, we have it handled, it just hits me harder at night. Or specifically, when I’m trying to sleep.”

“I see.” Kirk noticed Spock’s eyes moving, noticing something, widening almost imperceptibly. “Captain.” He asked quietly, unable to finish the query.

Jim turned to see the plant shoot, still sitting haphazardly on the edge of the sink where he had moved it when he washed his face.

“That is from Vulcan.” Spock finally said. He took a step forward, prompting Jim to take a step back and into the bathroom.

“Kinda.” Kirk muttered.

“Where did you acquire this root?” Spock asked, lifting it gently and inspecting it. His face was soft, his guards were down.

Kirk winced a bit at the fact that he vomited that up and now Spock was holding it, but he didn’t say anything because at least he had rinsed it off. That had to count for something. Right?

“I. Found it.” He floundered, shaking his head at how stupid that sounded. “Actually, Bones gave it to me, I don’t know why I was trying to lie about it.” He corrected himself when Spock gave him a strange look. “He’s doing research on potential allergens that could be setting me off and he had this root, we didn’t know where it came from, he was doing tests on it and I was supposed to be doing my own type to see if it caused any bad reactions.” He gestured to the toilet, gratefully empty, but to make his point. “It seems I am in fact allergic.”

Spock nodded. “If your testing is complete, might I be permitted to keep this?”

Jim scrunched up his face. “For what?”

“Many native plant life was lost when Vulcan was destroyed. I would like to see if I am able to regrow this plant for the ambassador on New Vulcan. He might wish to see something from his old home.”

“Feeling nostalgic?” Kirk smiled softly, teasing.

Spock locked eyes defiantly. “Merely a botanical exercise. This particular plant was so tenacious as to almost be classified a weed. If I succeed in regrowing a plant from this sample, we should be able to regrow it as a whole. One less species to go extinct.”

“Of course.” Kirk nodded, slight color to his cheeks as he realized how insensitive his jibe was. “It’s yours, Mister Spock.”

“Thank you, Captain.”

He could have imagined it. He probably did. But Kirk thought for a second, right before Spock turned to go back to his quarters, that he saw a slight uptick at the corner of Spock’s mouth. A smile. An appreciative emotion for the gift of a plant root despite the asinine attempt at humor.

Kirk beamed as the door slid shut and he bit his lip to keep his smile under control as he retreated to his own room, the scratchiness in his throat returning now that he no longer had something to distract him from it. He coughed and retched and tried but failed to keep some water down to ease his throat, and in the end he barfed up a few more shoots in his cabin’s trashcan and used another allergy shot before he was able to settle down enough to go to sleep.

Along with the constant sore throat and occasional vomiting of roots, Kirk also had to deal with the unrelenting anxiety. The worry that something life threatening was about to happen because that’s what had happened the last two years this ‘allergy season’ rolled up on him.

He was continually on edge. 

They were only sent out to do routine planet scans at the moment. Check for life signs. See if anything needed to be updated on their records. Note the surrounding systems to see if anything unusual had popped up.

Kirk was jumpy. He wanted to assign himself on every away mission despite what Bones had told him about playing it safe Thankfully there had only been three so far. He didn’t sleep if they ended up having to spend the night planetside. It got to the point where Bones was making him take sleep aids once he got back on the ship. Sometimes in a biobed so he could track Jim’s vitals at night.

After one particularly sleepless night, their fourth away mission, on an upgraded Class F planet, Bones had Spock reassign Jim so that he could have a medicated, supervised sleep as soon as he was beamed back on board. Spock assented and made the needed adjustments then inquired as to what necessitated Kirk’s need for supervised sleep.

“He’s been having real bad allergies lately and it messes with his sleep cycle. I’ve been monitoring his vitals for the past two weeks and he’s had a near constant anxiety spike to go along with it. The ship needs her captain to be at working order, fully functional.”

“I agree, Doctor. I have also noticed periodically that he is awake and coughing at odd hours of the night. Is there any way I can help?” Spock clasped his hands behind his back.

Bones shrugged. “Not sure there’s anything non-medical to do except let it pass. He’ll stop coughing once the allergy season is over.”

“And for the anxiety you mentioned?”

“Oh right.” He paused. “That at least, could be dealt with. Anxiety is more commonly exacerbated by loneliness and being stagnate.” He ran a hand through his hair, making it stand up at odd ends.

Spock nodded. “As First Officer I feel it is my duty to help in any way I can. If the Captain wishes, I can make myself available for whatever he may need when I know he is awake.”

Bones nodded back. “That’s all you can do, Spock.” He clapped Spock on the shoulder and continued to prep the room for when Kirk and the others beamed back up. No one reported any injuries so far but they would all need to be scanned before returning to work and Kirk would need to spend the night for observation.

Spock paused only a few seconds after their talk before resuming his duties. As Kirk would be sleeping tonight in medbay, Spock wouldn’t need to worry about him being up with anxiety. He had time to finish his project in engineering, read the crews reports on the native wildlife of the planet, and check up on the little root he had acquired from Jim almost two weeks ago. 

The edges on both sides had dried up but one side seemed to be growing new roots. Spock estimated 4 more days until they would be enough for him to plant.

His face was stoic as he exited the botany lab, but if Kirk had been present, he would have been able to see the excited spark in his eyes.

At that moment, however, Kirk was en route to sickbay for his after mission check up. He walked through the doors with the small crew that accompanied him planetside and when he was directed to a particular room instead of the open floor with curtain dividers, he immediately tried to turn tail and run.

“James Tiberius!” A gruff voice called out as soon as he took a step in the wrong direction. “Get your Captain ass in this room before the orderlies have to watch you get knocked out by your CMO.”

Kirk turned, a wide smile plastered to his face, to see Bones standing next to one of the orderlies with his arms crossed over his chest. Not a hint of amusement on his face. “That’s really okay, Bones. I haven’t had anything out of the ordinary going on, I’ve been taking all my medicine, and I have been eating, despite what Nyota says. I’m, really, if you would just do my after mission scan, I’m perfectly fine to go back to my shift.”

“You don’t have a shift until tomorrow.” Bones said, not acknowledging anything else Kirk said in his pathetic little speech.

“Damn Spock.” Kirk muttered, shutting his eyes in frustration. “You got to him before I got back on the ship, didn’t you?” Kirk asked with a sigh.

“Of course.” Bones smiled, tight and almost threatening. “Now get in here.”

Kirk let out a breath, giving up and letting Bones win for now.

Once the door was shut and Kirk was sitting on the bed, Bones began his questions and scans. “How long were you able to sleep last night?”

Kirk shrugged. “Few hours?”

“Not according to the scan.” Bones replied, checking the initial readings of his heart rate and brain functions, comparing them to the previous night’s report.

Kirk threw his hands up. “You tell me, then. How long was I able to sleep?”

“Minutes at most. A handful throughout the night. Sporadic. You don’t remember waking up?”

“Only once.”

“Any more plant life trying to escape your abdomen?”

“Not last night. Two days ago. Right before shift.”

“Any change in that regard?”

Kirk thought about it as he hissed when Bones took a blood sample. “It seems a little easier to deal with when I’m busy. I still have the scratchiness and coughing, but the plant matter doesn’t make an entrance until I have free time.”

Bones hummed and made a few notes in Kirk’s file. “How long was the last piece?”

Kirk shook his head. “Not that long, actually. Three quarters of an inch, but there were more. Like it was broken into pieces.”

“Nice of it to wait until you aren’t busy and then make itself smaller for you.” Bones muttered sarcastically, hooking up an IV for the sleep aid and some fluids to keep Kirk hydrated.

Kirk smiled, tired. “Hey you joke but I am actually thankful. The small miracles, you know?”

Bones nodded, looking up from the tricorder he held in his hand. “Your two weeks is up tonight. If we go into overtime, we’ll have more to consider. You only have one allergy shot left, right?”

Kirk shook his head. “I had to take it this morning. My throat felt like it was closing up.”

Bones swore and sent a message for someone to bring them an allergy shot, just in case Kirk needed it tonight.

“So if this continues, then we have to up your order until we’re able to up the dosages.” He paused. “If in two weeks you’ve become so desensitised to the meds to need more than two a day, then I’m worried what that means for the rest of the month if this continues, not to mention next year when it happens again.”

When Kirk met his eyes, he nodded once, tired beyond belief. “Listen, can we… you can keep doing your medical/worry thing, but can I get a change of clothes? I’m so tired and I would like to change into something more comfortable before I pass out.”

“Sure, kid.” Bones nods at him, gestures to a stack of clothes in the corner of the room he procured before Jim had beamed back on board.

He smiled. “Thanks.”

The drugs in his system were already at work keeping his system calm and controlled, keeping him in a meaningful sleep, by the time Mccoy finished his scans and tests. No new allergens were present. His heart rate was currently at acceptable norms, thanks to the meds. As for his main problem. The amount that was being vomited up was more, but thankfully smaller. He didn’t know if that was better or worse for the long run besides being better to assuage the current asphyxiation worries Bones had. Smaller chunks meant easier passing. But more of them could mean it was only ramping up, not slowing down.

Bones had already resigned himself to a sleepless night when he decided he was going to monitor Jim’s sleep, so he was awake at 0400 hours when Jim woke with a start, sitting straight up and entering immediately into a coughing fit. His heart rate spiked and he threw himself to the edge of the bed to gag violently and vomit onto the floor. Continuing to cough even after he was done expelling the latest plant samples.

Bones rushed over to check through his vitals, spiked but not dangerous, except for his oxygen intake. He was damn near Hypoxemia. He wasn’t breathing enough, not getting the oxygen he needed. Bones reached for the allergy shot and sank it into him quickly, but as softly as he could.

As soon as the coughing fit ended, Jim took in deep lungfuls of air. Several for a minute straight. Then he turned, watery eyed, to Bones. “Thank you.” He muttered through shaky lips.

Bones nodded, concern tight on his face. He walked around the bed to survey the mess on the floor. A bunch, 8 or 9, of roots and thicker pieces that could be plant shoots, but not all of them small. Two of them were at least an inch and a half long. One of the thicker ones was nearly two inches.

“Jim.” He muttered.

Jim looked over the edge of the bed, saw what Bones saw, and nodded. “Shit.”

“You could have choked on that.”

He closed his eyes with a sigh, hit the bed flat with a thud as he let himself drop. “Bones.” He stressed.

“Jim we-”

“Bones, listen.” He sat up, voice as tight as he could make it after ripping his throat apart. “I wasn’t going to die tonight because I wasn’t alone tonight. Even if I had been, I would’ve had an allergy shot with me in my room to shoot myself up with.” He motioned for Bones to look at him and not the two inch long shoot on the floor. “Hey, Bones, look at me. I wasn’t about to die tonight.”

It took a second for what Kirk said to sink in, but once it did, Bones nodded slowly. He was right. They were monitoring the situation as closely as possible. Jim barely even fought him earlier about sleeping in sickbay for the night which showed how serious he was taking it too. 

“I’m going to put in an official request that you have another day off shift. For rest and recuperation but also so that I can keep a closer eye on things. If this isn’t over today, you might have two more weeks of it and it seems like it’s only getting worse.”

Kirk nodded. As much as he wanted to fight it, he knew he wasn’t going to win these battles. Especially not when he just puked up a small garden.

“You don’t need to make it official, Bones. Just run it past Spock and he’ll take care of it. I won’t fight you.”

Bones swallowed once, nodded, and sent in the request to Spock’s padd.

An immediate response followed. “Granted. Is it permissible for me to inquire into the Captain’s immediate health?”

“He’s fine aside from an allergy flare up. I’ll keep you posted if it gets more serious.”

“If it would not be too inconvenient, would it be acceptable for me to visit the Captain in sick bay at 0800 hours?”

Bones relayed the ask to Kirk and he shrugged. “Why not?” He replied, hoarsely.

Bones typed back a quick, “Of course.” And set about adjusting the machines Kirk was hooked up to. He reset a few timers and put in a call for a bot to clean up the vomit. Then once he was done he set back up in the chair he had pulled into the room earlier that evening.

“I just had a shot, Bones. You don’t need to hover any more. I’ll be fine at least for a few hours.”

“I know.” He muttered, shifting back into the groove he made in the seat. “I’m already comfortable.” He said, pulling up his reports to go over and make sure he didn’t leave anything out.

“Whatever you say.” Kirk laughed at him with a small wave of his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned to release this once a week but I can't ever keep to a schedule.   
> It is already completed I just need time to edit it for AO3.  
>  Thank you for reading!


	3. A Garden of Unsaid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I can wait a full week...

At 0800 hours precisely, Spock walked into Captain Kirk’s room in the medbay. He was still asleep, as was Bones, in the chair next to the bed. He had a padd in his hand and another in his lap and the one in his hand was open to a medical cover about the allergy season and its effects on people who typically went through it on their home planet that now live in space ships. It was interesting and Spock made a mental note to look it up himself later.

The other padd in Bones’ lap was open to Kirk’s past two weeks' health history, compared to last night’s readings. Spock noted the readings and compared it to what was currently displayed on the machines hooked up to Kirk. All currently normal. Heart rate only slightly above a typical resting rate, but nothing worrisome.

A slight breach of confidentiality, most likely. Noted. Disregarded. It wasn’t Spock’s fault McCoy left the Captain’s charts open.

Spock took a breath and then left the room to grab another chair to wait for the Captain or McCoy to awaken. Given the distress at 0400 hours and a human’s need for regular sleep cycles, Spock reasoned it would be unwise to wake either of them.

When Kirk woke up two hours later, it was because his throat was scratchy. He needed water. He awoke with bleary eyes and cleared his throat softly so as not to set off a coughing spree. Then he realized there were two other people in the room. Bones he faintly remembered being there the night before. The other. Oh, it was Spock. 

Kirk turned to the clock on one of his monitors and noted the time. Shit. Spock had asked to come visit around 0800. Had he been here the whole time? His eyes were closed but his posture and breathing suggested that he was meditating, not sleeping.

Reflexively, Kirk matched his breathing to Spock’s. Which was a bad idea. The deep dragging breaths set off a cough. The itch in his throat, back and worse than ever.

Immediately Spock’s eyes were open and on Kirk. Bones was up and on his feet before he was truly even awake, padds falling to the floor as he jumped over to administer another allergy shot.

It was too late, the itch was already in his throat, the plant already trying to make its way out. He leaned over the bed, retching as Bones held onto his shoulders, waiting for the moment to come to an end.

Kirk made a waving motion with his hand during a particularly bad retch and Bones’ eyes followed to movement to where he noticed Spock for the first time, standing frozen in front of his seat. Unsure what to do in this situation.

“Mister Spock.” Bones said, voice tense.

Spock noted Kirk’s frantic waving and nodded once. Took it as his cue to step out as there was nothing he could do to help.

He wasn’t quick enough to leave without hearing the coughing gag of Kirk finally losing part of what was in his stomach and he saw out of the corner of his eye, what looked like a small branch. Then the door slid shut behind him.

The sound dampeners were on in rooms like this, so Spock was spared the wet splash of vomit and occasional clacking of more shoots spilling out from Kirk.

He waited a few minutes before deciding that what he could do was at least get a cup of water. To soothe his throat once he was done and ensure that Kirk wouldn’t be dehydrated. He was unsure of whether McCoy would allow Kirk tea at this time.

27.43 minutes later, the door slid back open and McCoy gestured tiredly for Spock to come back in.

“Sorry about that.” Kirk rasped out when he saw Spock, giving him a small smile.

Spock nodded, choosing not to explain that he need not apologize for a bodily function that he could not control. He handed him the cup of water he retrieved earlier, inclining his head to Bones as he did so for permission.

Bones nodded. “Water is fine. I have him hooked up to an IV so he won’t be dehydrated but he needs something to soothe his throat and I wouldn’t trust him with hot drinks right now.” Kirk made an affronted noise at that as he sipped his water.

“How are you feeling, Captain?” Spock asked, hands clasped firmly behind his back. He was not inclined normally to participate in ‘small talk’. He could get the technical answers himself from Kirk’s readings on the machines around him, but he knew small talk was something Kirk was fond of.

“Not so formal, Spock. Come on, you just saw me blow chunks a minute ago.”

Spock allowed himself to untense his shoulders, let his hands drop to his sides, but other than that he remained the same. “Captain?” He inquired again.

“I’m fine, Mister Spock. The allergy season might just be lasting longer than we initially planned.” He sighed. “The last two years, big things happened. So it either threw off my body enough to fast track my allergies, or it’s just been ramping up over time.”

“There’s not enough medical data about space allergies to confirm our suspicions one way or another.” Bones muttered, prodding at one of the machines hooked up to Kirk. “I need to get you a protein supplement. You haven’t eaten since the landing party, have you?” He almost bit out that last question and Kirk at least had the decency to look a little ashamed about lying about eating earlier.

“A supplement would be great, Bones.” He said, neither confirming or denying.

Bones nodded and huffed as he left the room.

Once he was gone, Kirk turned back to Spock, a joke on his tongue that died as soon as Spock opened his mouth. “Captain, did you cough up a piece of a branch earlier?”

Kirk closed his mouth. They had purposefully cleaned the room themselves so that none of the evidence would be left for Spock to see. The contents of his stomach were in a closed bag under the far side of Kirk’s bed until McCoy could get it safely to a trash can without Spock or a nurse seeing that it had come from Kirk’s body.

He blinked a few times, trying to buy himself however many seconds he could to think of something plausible to say.

“No?” He answered after what felt like an eternity.

Spock’s brows shifted towards each other, doubt evident on his face. There was a slight greenish tint to his cheeks that suggested he was frustrated about the very obvious lie and the fact that Kirk couldn’t even offer a flimsy explanation.

“My apologies, _Captain_. It seems I was perhaps imagining things.” Spock said and Kirk flushed a bright pink. He could hear everything Spock wouldn’t say but meant. ‘I thought you said we were friends. I thought you trusted me. I thought we were a team. Guess not.’

“Spock…” He sighed, which came out more like a groan with how messed up his throat was. “It wasn’t a branch.” He decided on saying. “It was a root. I have some uber rare freaky mishmash of sicknesses that shows itself as an allergic reaction that produces plant-life in my... lungs? Stomach? I’m not sure, but once it’s there I have to cough it out or it’ll choke me.” Of course he would tell him everything. How could he not? Spock had a way about him that made Kirk feel extremely bad when he tried to hide stuff, guilty almost, even if it was stuff he didn’t need to know.

Spock inclined his head. He blinked once. “The possibilities of something of that nature are-”

“It happens to one in 6000 people. At least, from the recorded numbers. Who knows how many are out there unrecorded. It’s rare, Spock. But it’s allergy related so of course it would happen to me.” He smiled, attempting to inject some humor. Spock didn’t take the bait.

“Is there a name for it?” 

Kirk really didn’t want Spock reading about it on his own. If he did that, he would find out the cause, and once he knew the cause, Kirk would embarrass himself into oblivion. It was bad enough that Bones already thought he was pining for some unknown, possibly dead Vulcan. He didn’t need Spock thinking the same thing. Also, he needed to hold onto some semblance of privacy.

Kirk winced a bit. “I’d, listen, I’d rather you didn’t dig into this, Spock. It’s very personal. Besides, I already have Bones going through all the medical journals. He’s keeping an eye on me and the fleet’s staying up to date on my condition and medication. I just… I’d rather have a little bit of dignity left, you know?” He asked, gesturing to the biobed he was laying on. Spock knew how much he hated being helpless.

“You would inform me if it was fatal?” Spock relented. 

Kirk let out a breath of relief and another small, grateful smile. “Of course, Spock.”

His first officer nodded once and then took his seat again next to Kirk. “Would you like to be briefed on the findings of the mineral’s and atmosphere on the last planet, Captain?”

“Yes, I would. Proceed, Mister Spock.”

Spock never agreed not to look into it. 

He had enough specifics to be able to find it himself. The resulting articles of Hanahaki Disease caused a slight spike of worry and irritation that his Captain would lie to him about the severity of his issue until he saw the ‘variation’ list further down the page. There was Chronic Hanahaki. Coughing up flowers during ‘allergy season’ until the situation was resolved.

That explained the Captain’s reservation at having more eyes on his situation. It was unrequited love. Spock understood the Captain’s concern but ultimately denied the importance of such a worry. Emotions were a part of his human culture. It wasn’t his fault the feelings were unreturned.

The thought did, however, spark a slight irritation in himself. Who could the Captain be in love with that wouldn’t love him back? James Kirk had saved earth. Few people, even in Starfleet could say that they helped save the destruction of a whole planet.

Spock took a breath. Noted. Assessed. Filed away for later meditation. Continuing on.

Spock saw that usually it was floral specific. He was so sure he had seen a branch of something come from the Captain. Nothing with any petals. It was too small for him to identify in such a quick look as he got.

Further reading, he presumed that if the Captain were _not_ allergic to the specific plant he was coughing up, he would have an easier time doing so. As it was, his allergic reaction to the plant itself was causing his airway to close up as the plant matter attempted to come up, exacerbating the situation. The longer it would continue… Like a bee sting, Spock thought. One who is allergic to bees gets stung once, realizes the allergy, gets a shot, goes about their life. However, if stung again, the results are much worse. Oftentimes a second or third bee sting would result in death. If Kirk were truly allergic to this plant matter, his reactions would only worsen over time. Perhaps closing his throat to the point where he would no longer be able to expel the offending material.

Spock did a quick report summary of his findings, expressed his wishes for anonymity to Captain Kirk, and sent it off to Bones.

He received a comm alert 11.74 minutes later.

“Where did you get this information from?” Bones asked, loud enough that Spock wasn’t worried he would be near Kirk.

“I researched the allergy as soon as I was off shift given the specifics Captain Kirk allowed me.”

“This is a breach of confidentiality, you understand?”

“Is it, Doctor? I did not take Captain Kirk’s personal files. I did not ask you or the nurses for any further details that the Captain himself would not volunteer. I merely followed my own scientific curiosity and looked into medical journals that were publicly accessible.”

A loud groan came through before Bones said, “I refuse to engage with you. Do you know what type of plant he’s been coughing up?”

“Negative. That was one of the specifics he did not elaborate on.”

Bones hummed to himself and said, “Alright. So what do you suggest we do in the meantime?”

“How many allergy shots are regulated to the Captain?”

“As many as he needs. We got approval of an emergency supply drop for an extra two rations of allergy medications. Oral, hypos, and additives for the IV drips.” There’s a pause and then a hum of agreement even though Spock hasn’t said anything. “If your analogy to the bee sting is even close to this, we need to be _on top_ of Jim like never before. He’s been doing a pretty good job at administering his own shots but not good enough if you’ve been saying you hear him coughing in the bathroom. That means he’s let it go on too long.”

“The Captain needs to inject himself as soon as he feels the soreness in his lungs, not his throat.”

“Agreed.” McCoy muttered a few things on his end as he paged through Kirk’s medical file. “Well lookie here, it seems after Admiral Pike’s passing, Kirk updated his secondary Health Care Agent to you, Mister Spock.” Spock was shocked only for a fraction of a second before he understood the practicality in the action. “Since that is the case, part of his allotment will be given to you that way you can administer them as you see fit if he’s too far gone to administer them himself. I’ll send you over a medical override code for his rooms, emergency use only, but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that.”

“Of course.”

“I’ll write up an official page though, just to have a legal signature for all this. Once Kirk wakes back up I’ll explain the situation, leaving out your extrajudicial research, and let him decide for himself, while he’s mentally and physically able, if he wants to agree to all this. I’ll keep you updated.” He finished quickly, closing the comm before Spock could agree, because he knew he would.

When Kirk woke up at 1800 hours, Bones was changing out one of the IV bags he was still hooked up to.

“Morning, sleeping beauty.” He cracked.

“Did you kiss me to break the curse?” Kirk joked over the faint fuzz he felt in his body.

“Not even in your dreams.” Bones smiled down at him. “I have a moderate allergy reducer still circulating your system but it should be flushed out in about an hour and then we can see if you’re still having attacks. You’ve been asleep for a while though, you need to move for a bit. Stand up, stretch your legs, go to the bathroom. If you’re feeling up to it, I can also get some food replicated for you.”

Kirk waved a hand tiredly, blue eyes lacking the usual shine but still sparking playfully. “Yeah, one thing at a time.” He swung his legs cautiously over the bed’s edge and touched his feet to the floor, keeping a hand on the bed as he stood up and tested his weight. Felt good. No weakness there, just a slight dizziness at being vertical again.

“You know, Bones, I think I actually feel a lot better.”

“That’ll be the sleep I forced you to get. You know, sleep? The unconscious rest that every human body requires regularly for a positive life experience?”

Jim nodded. “I’ve heard of it.”

He brought his knees up as high as he could, alternating until they felt like his legs were awake enough to move properly. Bones wheeled the IV stand around for Kirk to drag it with him and they headed out to get water and make a bathroom break.

After that, Bones got him off the IV drip and walked with him to the mess so they could stare at food and debate whether or not eating was a good idea.

“When was the last time you were able to keep food down?”

Kirk shrugged, stirring his bowl of replicated chicken and rice soup. “Before the away mission?” Bones groaned and Kirk cut him off. “I did eat while on the planet! It just didn’t stay with me. Last time I actually digested something was before the away mission. Spock and I had a lunch meeting to go over initial readings and do a quick debrief before departure, ask him, he can vouch for me!”

Bones rolled his eyes, if he was bringing Spock in as a witness that means he’s being truthful. He still didn’t like the answer. “Then that means you need to eat. I can only give you so many protein supplements.”

“How about one more?” Jim joked halfheartedly.

Bones gave him a look and Jim nodded, making a gesture with his spoon and then taking a sip of the chicken and rice soup. He made a soft noise of contentment and scooped a slightly bigger spoonful with some of the rice in it. He was nervous, chewing slowly, as if he would vomit immediately if he moved too fast.

“How long until the allergy suppressant is out of my system?” He asked, trying to sound casual.

Bones checked his watch. “20 minutes or so.”

“Maybe I should wait to eat until later.” Jim said, shifting his bowl a little away from him.

“Jim, you-”

“Captain. Doctor.” Spock said by way of greeting as he entered the mess hall. The two were sitting further away from everyone else so they could monitor the situation at hand but Spock seemed to find them immediately.

“Mister Spock!” Jim smiled, sitting up straighter, excited to have a possible distraction.

“Spock.” McCoy acknowledged, knowing damn well what Kirk was up to.

“Please, have a seat.” Jim told him, motioning to the spot next to himself and scooting his chair over a bit to make more room and subtly distance himself from his food and Bones. “To what do we owe the pleasure of your company, Mister Spock?”

Spock took the seat offered to him and sized up the situation. “I just finished my shift and wished to eat before retiring to my quarters. As it seems you are also doing.” He slid the bowl of soup over so it was back in front of Jim. “I will get some food and we can eat together. Would you like me to get you something to eat as well, Doctor?”

Bones flicked his eyes to Jim, seeing his betrayed annoyance, he flicked back to Spock with a smile, “Baked beans, if you would, Mister Spock.”

As soon as Spock walked away for the replicators, Bones turned back on Jim. Leaning against the table, he hissed, “You really piss me off, Jim” through his teeth.

Jim rolled his eyes, still annoyed at how he just managed to play himself. “Can it, Bones, you won.”

“This isn’t a game, boy. This is about your health. You need to eat and I need to make sure you’re capable of keeping food down, otherwise we’re going to have a whole different problem to keep track of.” He relaxed back in his seat when he realized he was getting too worked up, threading his hand through his hair as he let out a frustrated noise. “Jim, please.”

Jim nodded. “I know.” He lifted his spoon when Spock came back, making sure there was a piece of chicken and some rice on it before he ate it.

Spock had a cleanly dressed salad that kinda made Jim’s stomach turn just because his brain immediately made the ‘plant’ association. He swallowed and forced himself to get another spoonful of his own meal.

“Captain, would you like for me to debrief you on the most recent findings of the organic life on Parselinia III?” Spock inquired after a sufficient amount of food had been eaten.

“God yes.” Kirk groaned, pushing his half empty bowl away from him. “I mean, yes, Mister Spock, please proceed.”

“You can eat and listen, Jim.” Bones said, pushing the bowl back toward Jim.

Jim squinted his eyes at him but said nothing, dipping his spoon and taking another sip of broth.

“It appears the atmosphere is only breathable in ‘seasons’. We coincidentally were able to make contact in just the necessary season. There is a ‘pollen’ that lives in the vegetation that is not unlike tiny glass particles. When entering the body, it would shred the airway as it goes. No alien creature would likely ever be able to sustain the seasons of this planet without a protective suit of some sort. The plant life, however, has adapted and even thrived to include these particles in their very livelihood.” He pulled up some pictures on his padd. “A sample brought from the planet.” He explained, stopping and magnifying one in particular. “Even as it is currently the off season, the density of our typical atmosphere is too light for the plants. Their petals curl upward before they die.

“After the analysis which showed the glass particles that surround the atmosphere, the crew experimented with crushing some of our own glass into a fine powder and sprinkling it on the dying plants, mixing some into the soil.” He swiped over to another page. “As you can see,”

“The petals flexed downwards.” Kirk finished, seeing the plant in Spock's picture looking more alive than the previous. “Would we be able to send in a physical sample of the wildlife? For the Fleet archive?”

“Negative, Captain.” Spock swiped over to the last series of pictures. Showing the degradation of the plants, including the ones with the glass dust. “Without the correct density, the glass particles only serve to prolong the life of the plants temporarily.”

“Too bad.” Kirk muttered. “They were beautiful.”

“Indeed.” Spock agreed.

“Make sure we get a full analysis and report written up. If Parselinia III has an ‘off season’ of livable atmosphere, there’s a chance it might change in the future, one way or another. Starfleet will probably want to keep its eyes on this system.” Kirk made direct eye contact with Bones as he shoved his food away from him again. A not so subtle way of saying ‘I’m done for real, stop pushing this’.

Bones just narrowed his eyes and took a bite of his own food.

“Of course, Captain.” Spock agreed, typing out a message for Chekov, who had been the one most excited to run experiments with Spock. Later on, Spock would arrange a meeting with Chekov and combine their two reports into one cohesive submission to Starfleet. For now though, Spock decided to keep his friends’ company.

They kept up a steady stream of conversation focusing on the next away mission and finalizing a schedule for the next week's rotation. It was a while after they had all finished eating, Spock and Bones completely, Kirk only his half a bowl. Finally Spock excused himself to his room to get started on his part of the mission report, he had put it off long enough.

Once he was gone Bones turned to Kirk with a smile. “Congratulations, 2 hours past due and not a single coughing fit.”

Kirk smiled. “Feels like a win to me.” He said, ignoring the sarcastic eye roll from Bones. “Anything else I should be doing?”

“Bones took out his padd to access Kirk’s records and started typing away. “Return to your normal eating habits, try to get at least the same amount of sleep as you got before, if not more just for my sake. No exercise over a brisk walk. I’m going to give you an emergency allergy shot and one for Spock as well. Which I wanted to mention, you assigned Spock as your secondary health agent.” He gave Kirk a meaningful look. “I wrote up an emergency protocol, do you want him in on it? Given that he shares a bathroom with you, he would be the first one available if anything were to happen.”

Kirk paused, stared off at a table of ensigns laughing and joking with each other. He wished for a second that he could’ve been like that and not here talking about emergency health protocols. But that kind of thinking was useless.

“You said you already drafted up something?” He held his hand out and Bones gave him the padd, open to what he had outlined to Spock earlier. He read through a few lines before making a face. “You want to give him medical access to override the bathroom locks??”

“Jim, use your brain for a second. If you’re choking on a piece of some godforsaken plant forcing its way out of your bleeding lungs while your airway is closing up, you really think you’ll have the competency to input the unlock code to allow someone in to inject you with a shot?”

Kirk flapped his hand around. “Yeah yeah, I get it, Bones. Thank you for painting such a pretty picture for me.”

“I’m a regular da Vinci.”

Kirk raised his eyebrows sarcastically and went back to reading. “I mean, other than the total infantilization, it makes sense.”

“Jim.”

“I understand, Bones.” He sighed, frustrated. “I just hate that I have to do this. Yeah, sure.” He signed his name on the bottom and handed the padd back. “It’s fine. Give Spock a ration, give him the codes. I understand the reasons, just- just let me hate the situation, Bones.”

Bones matched his sigh and nodded. “Sure.”

Kirk walked back to sickbay with Bones and allowed him to wave the tricorder over him for a few minutes until he got everything he needed. Then he headed back to his own quarters with the already restless feeling in his body knowing that he didn’t have another shift tomorrow.

Six hours later at 2400 hours Kirk felt a tickle in his throat and his anxiety went into overdrive. He coughed a few times, very softly compared to the last two weeks. He moved the trash bin next to his desk and held it under his face as he coughed, mouth wide open, trying to ease the passing of matter. Thankfully none of the food he ate earlier came out. Unfortunately, what did come out was about 5 almost weightless gray petals, saliva barely adding weight as they fluttered softly into the trash.

He gagged slightly as one got caught in his throat and he coughed it out with the others.

They were familiar. He knew these petals.

When he realized he was done coughing for the moment, he grabbed his padd and typed in the description of the petals in the local search. The first thing to pop up with the closest match was Spock and Chekov’s report about Parselinia III.

He had literally just learned about these plants existing and now here he was coughing them up in his cabin.

What the hell was happening.

He got up and went to get his comm to call Bones before he decided he didn’t want to worry him just yet. 

He felt his throat, took a few test swallows, a few deep breaths. He could breathe. With no petals in his throat, there was no scratchy sensation.

Kirk was not allergic to this plant.

He quickly grabbed a padd, putting his comm back down on his side table, and started to write up a series of possible explanations. The intensity of his last attack being his actual allergy to the plant his body produced in his lungs. The ease of passing when not allergic to the plants he coughs up. Also the difference between coughing up plants with petals and plants that had none. His first plant had no petals, but it had leaves. This last plant had no leaves or petals, just roots and shoots. New plant has petals. As far as he saw with 3 years scant observation.

He sighed after writing up his observations and theories, taking a deep breath and feeling fine aside from the rawness in his throat still from the Varalinth. He smiled to himself. Even though it seemed now like it would be more than two weeks, he was still grateful for the new variant. For a plant that lived on crushed glass and dense environments, it was appreciatively soft.

Jim got up, patting the arm of the couch as he walked past it and into the bathroom. He turned the sink on, cupping his hands under the water stream and taking a few sips to ease his throat. Maybe he would check with Bones tomorrow and see if he could have tea yet. 

There was a soft knock on the door. Kirk looked up, still in a good mood. “I’m fine, Mister Spock.” He relayed through the door.

“Captain.” Spock replied, clearly not believing. Kirk rolled his eyes and unlocked the door, allowing it to open and revealing Spock, not unconcerned, just on the other side. Instead of asking why Kirk was awake so late, he raised an eyebrow.

Kirk took a breath. “Allergy season is not over yet.” He said softly, wiping the water off from around his mouth.

“I fail to see how this is amusing in nature.” Spock remarked to his still smiling Captain.

“The symptoms are much softer. The, uh, the plant has changed and apparently I’m not allergic to this one so it’s not trying to kill me every time it comes up.” He could feel the self-satisfied smile on his face and he knew it was disconcerting for Spock to see. “It’s a good thing, Mister Spock. It means my throat won’t close up while I’m having an attack.”

Spock inclined his head to one side, thinking the information over. “How long have you been coughing up this new matter?” He asked, trying not to pry too deeply.

“Just a few minutes ago. First time.”

“Do you know this plant from earlier in your lifetime?”

“No.” Kirk answered, assuming he meant before today in general and not a few hours before.

“Then as this is your first encounter with it, you should wait to form a positive association until another trial is tested.”

Kirk’s smile dropped a fraction. He nodded. “The bee thing?” Bones had mentioned a ‘bee sting’ scenario when they were in medbay.

Spock nodded back once. “Affirmative, Captain. The ‘bee thing’.”

Jim could feel his heartbeat pick up at the thought that he might not be in a better situation. His hope being taken from him almost as soon as he found it.

He swallowed softly, rubbing a hand over his face. “I don’t think I’ll be going back to sleep for awhile, Mister Spock, so I’ll just keep my allergy shot close and wait for another attack.” He turned to start back for his room.

Spock stopped him short with a question. “Would you like to play a game of chess, Captain?”

Kirk turned. “It’s fine, Mister Spock. You don’t need to stay up with me, I’m sure you need to sleep, you actually have a shift in the afternoon.”

Spock seemed not to understand his meaning, inclining his head to the side. “It was an offer based on the fact that we are both awake with no currently pressing matters to attend to. I finished my report on the planet, editing in Chekov’s part as well, and unlike humans, Vulcans do not require the same amount of sleep. As it stands, I already possess an adequate amount of meditation to resume my duties. Engaging in a round of chess would still leave me plenty of time to-”

“Yeah alright, I get it!” Kirk laughed. “Come on then, Spock. I’ll get the board ready. Take a seat.” He waved Spock in to follow him and shook his head with a tired but self-amused smile. Watching Spock try to excuse and explain himself without straight up saying, “Listen, I’m worried about you” was fun but he had to cut him off at some point.

He went about getting things set up, turning his lights up a fraction to be more comfortable, and placed himself opposite Spock to get the game going.

They played for a while quietly until Kirk cleared his throat and Spock asked a question without turning his immediate attention away from the game at hand. “Are you still attempting to keep the full extent of your illness secret from me, Captain?”

Kirk looked up, slightly irritated at the distraction from his move. He searched Spock’s face for something, just for a second, and then looked back at the board. Spock wasn’t about to win this on a distraction play.

“I already explained what was wrong, _Mister Spock_.” He said quietly, leaning forward to make his move. 

Spock immediately retaliated, sliding a piece across before Kirk was even fully leaning back again, and throwing Kirk off his rhythm.

He didn’t curse out loud, he just clenched a hand and bit his lip, ignoring the impulse to clear his scratchy throat.

“I’m referring to your refusal to tell me the name of your condition and what has caused it.” Spock stated calmly, still not breaking focus on the board.

“Don’t try to distract me, Spock, it won’t work.”

“That is not my intention, Captain.”

“Spock, please.” Kirk groaned, rolling his eyes and flexing out his hand. “It’s the equivalent of the middle of the night and we’re in my room playing chess. Drop the formalities.”

Spock did the Captain a favor of not mentioning that approximately 2 minutes before, he was still keeping formalities.

Kirk moved another piece and took a slow inhale, trying to keep the scratchiness from his mind. It didn’t work. It, perhaps, made it worse. He was immediately sent into a mild coughing fit.

Spock sat up straighter. Short-circuiting for only a second before he stood and retrieved the trash can from next to Kirk’s bed. He brought it back and handed it to Kirk before looking around and seeing that he did in fact have a reason to be sipping out of his own hands earlier, so while Kirk was coughing, he went to his own quarters to retrieve an emergency allergy shot and a spare cup he kept around for water in the middle of the night. He filled it up on the way back with water so Kirk would have something for his throat once the spasm passed.

When Spock reentered the room, Kirk was throwing up into the trash can. It wasn’t as violent as he remembered from that other time in sickbay. It was still urgent but less like he was trying to cough up an actual lung and more so just expelling unnecessary matter.

When the worst of it passed, Kirk accepted the cup of water from Spock and took it with him to the bathroom. He rinsed and spit a few times before filling it up again to actually drink.

“This is ridiculous,” He rasped. “I need something hot to drink. I don’t get why I need to wait for Bones to approve it.”

“He is your chief medical officer, it is his job to-”

“Yeah I understand, Spock.” Kirk laughed humorlessly. “I just hate it.” He smiled over to Spock, a mirror swap from earlier, standing in Kirk’s room instead of his own as he cautiously waited to see if Kirk was alright and willing to leave the bathroom.

Jim took a soft breath in and filled up the cup once more with water, leaving the bathroom to sit back at the table to finish their game of chess. “Come on, Spock. I’m not letting you off that easy.”

He kicked the trash can back away from the table as Spock approached his seat and Spock noted the gray leaves in the receptacle. “Fascinating.” He murmured, taking his seat.

“Spock…” Kirk warned. 

That was ‘too much’ information than he wanted Spock to have.

He saw the slight downturn of the edge of Spock’s mouth and flexed his shoulders responsively. “Sorry.” When Spock looked up to inquire as to the apology, Kirk gestured to the board. “I don’t remember who’s turn it was.”

“It was mine.” Spock replied, civil. Kirk hated it.

Spock, despite what Kirk thought, knew about the sickness’ cause. He knew that as long as Kirk was coughing up things he wasn’t allergic to and things that had an easier time passing, that it wouldn’t be fatal. He also knew that the petals in Kirk’s trash can were only recently discovered. 

What he didn’t know, what none of them knew, was what picked the plant type. It was never expounded on in any of the recorded public material that Spock could get a hold of.

Perhaps if Kirk would talk to him about it they could present theories to each other and discuss possibilities. But no, of course not. Kirk had to be unfailingly hardheaded about this. As usual.

Spock felt a pang of anger in his chest. Noted. Filed away for meditation. 

He turned his head a bit to the side, adjusted the set of his shoulders, and slid a piece across the table.

“Three moves until Check.” He muttered.

Kirk’s head whipped down, away from where he had been watching Spock, and he made a face, seeing the possibility Spock saw. He scrunched his eyebrows together and looked for a way out.

He slid a pawn forward and sat back with a quiet breath.

“I don’t mean to keep things from you, Spock.”

‘Of course not’, Spock did not say, although he did think it pretty loudly. Noted. Ignored.

“I just, this is embarrassing for me. I’m a rare case of rare. Do you get how annoying that is?”

“I can acknowledge your feelings without agreeing with them.” Spock says, not calling him Captain so as not to make him angrier. Kirk was most likely to lash out when he was already frustrated.

Spock picked up a piece and placed it on the board, not commenting on the moves until Check, hoping to encourage Kirk to keep speaking.

He cursed quietly, leaning forward intensely to study the board better.

As usual, his need to speak overruled his need to concentrate. “I just… I get your frustration.”

“I am-”

“Spock. I know when you’re frustrated with me.” He looked up, quirked a smile. “the first time I noticed it was the second time I took the Kobayashi Maru.”

Spock thought back to that day. Kirk was annoyed at failing again but somehow in a smug way. He had left the test nodding like someone told him the answer to a question he didn’t ask yet. Spock remembered thinking that Kirk had learned nothing from either times he took the scenario. He remembered thinking he was right when he found out Kirk had scheduled for a third time.

He didn’t wait for Spock to admit it before he turned his attention back to the board and continued. “I understand why you would be frustrated in a situation like this. If the situation were reversed, I would be mad too.” He held up a hand when Spock opened his mouth to protest at the use of ‘too’. “My point being, I’m grateful that you’re still willing to help me out.” He moved his piece and gestured for Spock to go.

Spock surveyed the board quickly before grabbing the piece he wanted to move, holding it briefly in his hand as he thought over what to say. He placed it down deliberately and let his fingers linger on it before he let go. “As your First Officer,” He saw more than heard Kirk deflate before he continued, “and your friend, it is my primary duty to make sure you are in good health. Not only physically, but also mentally.”

Kirk laughed, it was slight but it was good-natured and honest. “So this game is for my benefit? That's what you’re saying, Mister Spock?” He moved a piece.

“It is.” Spock replied, moving his own. “Checkmate, Captain.” When Spock smiled it wasn’t with his mouth as much as it was with his eyes. His brown eyes that were deeply human and therefore betraying all the emotion that he refused to acknowledge out loud.

That’s not to say that he _didn’t_ smile with his mouth. Because he definitely did. The slight uptick at the corner of one side. The softening of the straight line of his lips.

Kirk may have lost their game, but he definitely felt like the winner.

He turned suddenly, grabbing for the bin just out of arm's reach. Falling to his knees on the floor as he pulled it in under his head, he skipped the coughing and went straight to gagging and choking. Waving away Spock’s approach with the shot. He shook his head. Spock counted to 30 seconds of gagging and then he made the executive decision to override his Captain, stabbing him with the allergy medicine.

With a few more loud and violent gags, Kirk finished, sitting back and staring at the whole head of the gray flower that he saw earlier that day. Not a few petals, not a stem or some roots, the whole thing. Petals and stamen connected to the receptacle. Everything whole and intact.

“It’s okay, Spock.” He said quietly, not looking away from the flower. “You can say it.”

Spock, from his spot over Kirk’s shoulder, still on his knees from when he dropped down to stab Kirk, whispered a very quiet but emphatic, “Fascinating.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is shorter though. Sorry.


	4. We Break to Grow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short one, lads, but all the rest are pretty long so buckle up!

Kirk did tell Bones the next day. He had to. Bones was his CMO, he needed the information to put in his chart if nothing else. Also Spock totally ratted him out by asking for another emergency allergy shot.

“I was going to tell you, Bones, I promise!” Kirk nearly shouted over the fifteen minute rant Bones had started on when they got together in the mess hall.

“Not to mention the fact that if something had happened to you last night-”

Kirk put a hand on Bones’ shoulder as they stood in front of the replicator. “Nothing would have happened. Spock was with me nearly all night. I couldn’t sleep so we were playing chess. But you know this, because Spock’s already told you everything.” He let go of Bones and input an order of scrambled eggs and steamed vegetables, something he read would soothe his throat. Bones narrowed his eyes.

“Don’t think you’ll soften me up by eating healthy, Jim.” He muttered.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Jim held his hands up innocently. “I just read that this type of food would soothe my throat. Speaking of which, can I have hot drinks yet?”

“Tea, yes. Coffee, no. Decaf only.”

“Ugh, Bones!” Kirk complained lightly, inputting the replicator code for a nice tea he knew he wasn’t allergic to and didn’t completely hate. He added a good amount of honey hoping that would make his throat feel better before the next attack.

“So now we know,” Bones started as he headed for the table with his own food and coffee, “that if you aren’t allergic to the plant matter that it’s easier to pass.”

“We already knew that.”

“No, we theorized, Jim. Now it’s proven.” He took a seat, Kirk sitting opposite him. “We also know now that the plant can change even in the middle of a ‘season’.”

Kirk raised his eyebrows once at that. “It would be nice to know what it means. As far as I can tell, it’s not mentioned in any of the public records.”

Bones raised his own eyebrows, bringing out his padd and making a few notes before pulling up something new. “That’s because that information is even more personal than knowing that it's caused by ‘unrequited love’.”

“What?” Kirk leaned over the table to try to get a look at Bones’ padd. “What’s it say?”

“I’m checking to see if I got a response yet. Everything was locked up under doctor-patient confidentiality agreements. So I sent a few communications out last week both to the doctors and the patients to see if anyone was feeling in a sharing mood. As of yesterday, nothing.” He scrolled a bit more before sighing and turning it off. “And as of today, still nothing. Whatever the reason, it’s gotta be more personal. Otherwise it would be public knowledge like the sickness itself.”

Kirk sat back, nodding. “Makes sense.” He ate his food, appreciative of the lack of anxiety that had previously kept him from eating. He drank his fucking decaf but graciously hot tea. When he had eaten enough food that he knew it would benefit his body, he pushed his plate away and thought out loud. “Would it be _permissible_ for me to return to active duty today, Bones? Now that we know I’m not allergic to this one and a shot will stop me from the worst of the coughing?”

Bones let out a loud frustrated noise but he swiped through Kirk’s last taken vitals and looked at the circles under his eyes. “How much sleep did you end up getting?”

“After the flower, the allergy medication kicked in and whichever dose Spock had, made me drowsy. I probably slept at least 5 hours.”

That was more or less what he was used to getting anyway, Bones knew. He rolled his eyes. “I will send Spock a message to return you to a normal rotation if you come with me to get one more check up.”

What had started as a smile on Jim’s face dropped immediately and he tossed his head back as if to whine before he faced Bones again with a simple, “No problem. Now, or…?”

“Now’s fine.” Bones deadpanned at Kirk's face journey, leaving the rest of his food and taking his coffee with him.

Once in sickbay, Kirk relented to Bones and his tricorder, along with the stickies on his chest and neck that would more accurately read his heartbeat and breathing levels. He didn’t even complain about how cold the stickies were.

“Everything seems normal enough. How’s the anxiety?”

“Back to normal amounts.”

“Meaning?”

“I’m able to eat, aren’t I? And I slept this morning, so…”

Bones sighed, making notes. “How’s your throat?”

“Much better with the tea, I think.”

“How was the passing last night?”

“It hurt but it was nowhere _near_ as bad as the Varalinth shoots. It was like puking up cotton candy, just not as colorful.”

“Lovely.” He made some more notes in Kirk’s chart. “And the flower was the-?”

“Third time. Just petals the first two.”

“No flowers ever, though, right?”

Kirk paused. He thought it over. “Yeah… This was the first full flower. What does that mean? It’s getting worse?”

Bones shrugged as he finished up his notes. “At this point, we can only theorize.” He shut down the padd and started removing all the stickies from Kirk’s torso. “I’ll keep you updated on the requests for additional information. I sent over the message to Spock to get you back in rotation. Keep the allergy shot on you at all times, if you even think about coughing you better inject yourself immediately. Yours won’t knock you out, but Spock’s will so don’t leave it up to him if you aren’t in your quarters.”

“I got it. Thank you, Bones!” Kirk jumped off the biobed, tugging his shirt back on as he went.

“Go take a shower, you look like hell and I don’t want you worrying the rest of the crew.” Bones chided him.

“Got it, mom!” Kirk waved at him, turning with a bright smile as he hurried down the hall.

As soon as possible, Kirk was put back in rotation and he took his seat back in the Captain’s chair. He had to keep himself from sighing as he sat down. “God I missed you.” He muttered under his breath, rubbing his hands on the arm rests. He looked up in time to see Sulu turn his head with a stifled laugh.

“How far are we from our next planet?” He asked, smoothly moving on.

“Still about four days out.” Sulu answered

“No change in plans?” He asked in general.

Sulu turned to look at him, Chekov made a confused ‘no’ sound, Uhura was the only one who answered. “No distress calls, no sudden asteroid fields, no living jelly in our vent systems waiting for us to sleep so it can consume us, Captain.” She answered while she tapped away at her keyboard, finishing up some routine scans.

He smiled in her direction but she didn’t turn to receive it. “Thank you, Lieutenant.”

Kirk kept a thermos of tea with him all shift, filling it up again an hour before rotation. 

With the sudden change in shifts, Spock would be on the next shift as Kirk got off. As was his way, he arrived on deck for his shift 10 minutes before he was scheduled.

“Captain.” He said by way of greeting with a slight nod.

“Mister Spock.” Kirk replied with a smile. He gave him a brief overview of what had happened, nothing, and what the crew spoke about, a lot of nonsense. Spock nodded, taking in the information, and then informed Kirk about the findings of his latest science experiment. “Why did you let me go first? Yours was way better.” Kirk told him as soon as he was done.

“It would have been rude to interrupt.” Spock replied.

Kirk took a sip of his tea and Spock tilted his head to the side slightly. “Is that red leaf tea?”

“Cardassian? Yeah.” He smiled, eyes wide. “Oh that’s right! You were the one who recommended it to me!” He snapped his fingers and pointed with a laugh. “It’s been _bugging_ me for like a year now! It’s one of my favorite teas and I totally forgot it was on that list you gave me.”

“List?” Uhura asked.

“Yeah, back at the academy. I was being a hassle in one of Spock’s classes and he wrote me a list a mile long of teas to try so I would stop coughing while he taught.” Kirk summarized.

“As I recall, that list only had 37 teas on it.” Spock interjected, going to his station.

Uhura laughed. “I didn’t know you were in one of Spock’s classes.”

“I wasn’t. Not technically. He covered for my usual teacher. I only had two classes with _Professor_ Spock.” He said, accenting the word as subtly as he could. Uhura laughed again but Spock didn’t look up from his station. Kirk smiled to himself as his shift came to an end.

He got to his quarters just in time to produce another flower. This one had an easier time coming up, maybe because of the tea. Maybe because he was getting used to it? It still sucked. He couldn’t breathe for 40 seconds as he gagged around all the petals stuck in his throat. Once it made it far enough up, he had reached in and grabbed enough of it to pull it out.

“That’s fine." He gasped out, catching his breath. "I’m over it now. Could we go back to spare petals? I’m _so_ over the full flower thing. Once was enough. Two is just excessive.” He said to no one. Maybe to the flower. He stared at it, sitting in the sink where he put it once it was out of him. He leaned against the sink, heavy on his hands. He sighed and took a deep breath, coughing lightly at the soreness.

He commed Bones. “Another full flower.”

“Same breed?”

“Yup.”

“Noted.”

“Any response yet?”

“I’ll let you know as soon as there are, Jim.”

Another sigh. “Okay. Thanks.”

His allergy season lasted him three weeks.

“Captain’s log, yada yada, input stardate here… fuck.” He wiped a hand over his face before he continued. “It seems my lovely allergy season has finally passed. In the three weeks of floral hell, which I waited to go into detail for until it was over, I only managed to cough up a full flower twice. Mostly it was bits of flowers, and towards the end of the last week, just some scattered petals.” He paused again, a tired smile on his face. “It’s typically coughing and vomiting but once, and only once, I sneezed a handful of petals across my chess board. Gross, yes, we had to sterilize the entire board and pieces, but hilarious in retrospect.” He paused again, trying to decide how personal he wanted to be in his log. “Computer, stop recording.” He would decide another day.

It had been more than two weeks ago that Bones had sent out those requests for more information and no one, not a single one of them, had gotten back with him. Kirk was beginning to lose hope on that front. He would just have to be another guinea pig.

Kirk laid out on his bed, hands over his face. Between him and Bones, they had enough of an idea that he thought they could put the puzzle together themselves, but it would take a while. Things would be a lot simpler if someone just showed him the picture that was on the box.

Maybe there was no box. Maybe everyone that suffered with this was drawing their own pictures. Maybe no one knew the whole story. 1 in 6000 were pretty sucky odds.

Kirk sat up. He needed to be as detailed as possible. If he had to be a guinea pig, so be it. “Computer, record Captain’s log-” He started again, going into full detail of what he could remember of the first two times and then all that he knew about it now and all the details of what happened throughout the last three weeks. He didn’t want another person to have questions when he could answer them.

When he was done with his log he forwarded it to Bones with a message. “Please find some way to send this to whoever is keeping track of the public logs. I want my experience to be on the public record.”

A reply was almost immediate. “Jim, I’m going to have to change some of your information. If word gets out about the medical information of a starfleet captain, we might have some bigger problems incoming.”

“Shit. Right. Change what you need to, but I still want most of this to be public knowledge for anyone else who might be researching symptoms and getting nothing like we did.”

“Will do. I’ll write up a full analysis on my end as well and send it back to you once it’s done so you can approve it before I send it to any medical boards.”

“Thanks, Bones.”

Kirk sat on his bed for about a minute before he decided he was too awake now to get any meaningful rest. He found himself in the mess hall, getting himself a cup of peppermint tea out of habit.

Scotty was there, chatting it up with Chekov about something to do with the transporters.

“Mind if I sit in?” He asked, approaching their table.

“Of course not, Captain!” Chekov replied, chipper and upbeat.

“Aye, take a seat.” Scotty told him. “Anyway,” He continued full force back into their conversation and Kirk sat there, enjoying his tea and their company, interjecting only when he felt he actually had something meaningful to contribute.

A full hour later, Chekov had to get to the bridge for his shift and Scotty wrapped up his speculations in a way that Kirk knew meant he wanted to get to work on them as soon as possible. “By all means, Scotty. If you think it’ll improve the range, go for it. But if anything gets beamed back here inside out, that’ll go on your permanent file.”

Scotty’s smile only slightly reduced at the comment, energy still sparking through him like a live wire. “I understand, sir!” He answered, sprinting to go begin his new project.

Kirk went to fill up his cup with more tea before taking it with him back to his quarters. It was late enough that Spock should be off shift.

When he got to his room he took out the chess board and set the pieces up. They had started a routine, he wasn’t inclined to stop just because his life wasn’t in danger anymore.

With a brief spike of worry, he wondered if Spock thought the same way. Would Spock ask for a game tonight? Or was he really just there all the other nights to make sure Kirk took his medicine when he needed it and wouldn’t choke to death?

Which, when he thought about it, it was a really good reason, but he didn’t want that to be the only reason.

A chirp came from his room door. Typically Spock just knocked from the bathroom.

“Enter.” Kirk said anyway, not bothering to check who it was.

As fate had it, it was Spock. He was in casual workout clothes instead of his usual uniform he wore straight from off shift to their chess game. “Captain. I thought tonight we might do something different?”

“Exercise?” Kirk guessed, looking over the fitted black shirt and fitted dark grey workout pants.

“Of sorts. Doctor McCoy has informed me that you are fit for physical exercise now. I propose we start slow and work our way up.”

Kirk smiled, rolled his eyes. He turned back to his room to change his clothes. “You don’t have to monitor me, Mister Spock. Allergy season’s over, I’m back to normal. I gotta be if Bones is telling you I can workout again.”

Spock stood in the doorway, effectively blocking his near naked Captain from the hallway since he hadn’t bothered closing the door before he started to strip.

“It is not my intention to ‘monitor’ you, Captain. I believe this would serve as a suitable alternative to our chess nights.”

“Getting tired of chess already?”

“Not remotely, but physical upkeep is just as important as mental. My suggestion, if you are amenable, is to trade off every other day. After your shift on duty we would play chess. After mine, exercise.”

“What if our shifts change again?” Now fully dressed, Kirk motioned for Spock to back up so they could get started and he could close his room’s door.

Spock inclined his head slightly. “We change our activities to follow suit.”

Kirk was hoping they would get to overlap again on shift but as of late he’s had no reason to request shift change since he had been released for active duty. He didn’t want to just change for no reason but he missed messing with Spock and Uhura at the same time. He still had Sulu and Chekov, but that wasn’t the same.

“Captain.” Spock prompted.

“Oh, here?” Kirk asked.

“The ship has more than enough room to run a good distance.”

“You just hate the treadmills.” Kirk joked as they took off at a jog.

“I find them lacking.”

Kirk let out a loud laugh. “I knew it.”

It was two months later, during a routine mission of updating data on a Class H planet, that Bones commed Kirk to meet him in his office.

“I’m surprised you weren’t on the away team.” Bones commented once Kirk sat down in his office.

He waved his padd and smiled. “I decided to let someone else have a little fun, I’m still monitoring life signs just in case something happens.”

“Less anxiety now that your little petals are gone?”

“You could say that.” He checked once more on the away crew’s vitals and then put his padd on the chair next to him. “What did you need from me, Bones?”

“Actually, it’s what I need to _show_ you.” He took out his own padd and flipped it around, pushing it across the table. Kirk leaned forward to read what was on it. It was a list of responses, 10 or 15 of them.

“What am I looking at?”

“These are all the responses I got from my inquiries about your, uh, allergies.” Bones answered. “As it turns out, we were in a bit of a dead zone for awhile. Since they were labelled as civilian comms, they took the longer channels. They all came in about the same time two days ago. I’ve been reading through them.”

Kirk clicked open one at random, from a patient, thinking it would be better to read from personal experience. He flicked through it as Bones kept talking, almost missing it when Bones dropped the bombshell.

“Wait, rewind, what was that last part?” Kirk asked urgently, placing a hand over the padd as if to keep it from interrupting.

Bones looked uncomfortable. “I said, the flowers that you cough up have a direct correlation to the person you’re in love with. It’s their favorite flower.”

Jim shook his head slowly. “No. That doesn’t make sense. Our theory was that my so-called lover died on Vulcan, but the last plant that I coughed up had literally not been discovered until the day I began coughing it up.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Which means our theory was wrong.” He gestured to the padd. “Read it yourself.”

Jim could feel his heart start to race. “I’m beginning to feel that anxiety again, Bones.” He joked quietly, picking the padd up and returning to the report he had started reading.

A lot of it was confidentiality talk. Doctors and patients both expressing the desire to have this information go only to Bones and Jim, or as they noted, the Attending Physician and the Inflicted Patient. The reports detailed a lot of what Jim had already experienced. A few of the cases ended when their unrequited love became, well, requited, but more than he hoped to see had ended when one or the other had died. In the cases that ended in a relationship, it was because the inflicted party had essentially moved on, found someone else who loved them in return. In the case that your unrequited love dies, it’s not so much that you stop loving them, but that there’s nothing for the infection to latch on to. In only one of those cases, it returned when the host started to love again and went away when that love was returned. So once saved, always saved didn’t apply either. For those who suffered Chronic Hanahaki, they would continue to do so their entire life unless their love was returned and continued to do so or they themselves died.

“Shit, Bones…” Kirk ran a hand through his hair as he handed the padd back. “Are you telling me I’m in love with someone on the Enterprise?”

“I’m not, but the reports seem to be.” Bones rolled his shoulders, still on edge and uncomfortable. “There’s no one jumping out at you that it could be?”

Jim thought about it. Thought about the plants and the times when it had started and gotten worse. He nodded once, making a bit of a face. “Yeah. I might have an idea.” Of course he had an idea. As he sat there and stared at the picture on the box, all of the missing pieces slid into place and he finally realized the worst of his attacks always happened around the same person. The first full flower he had ever coughed up happened literally seconds after he saw the man smile, for crying out loud! He was so stupid...

“Jim.”

“Bones. Listen. If I had any say in this, it wouldn’t be happening. I didn’t even know it _was_ happening! But I think this,” He tapped on the desk to make his point, “ _proves_ that I never had any say in it!”

“It also proves that some higher being hates me and wants me to know it.” Bones groaned, scrubbing at his face with both hands.

They both took deep breaths and leaned back in their chairs quietly for a while.

“What do we do now?” Bones asked. “What do you want to do about it?”

Kirk shook his head. “Nothing.”

“Jim-”

“Bones, if anything _could_ be done I wouldn’t be coughing up flowers in the first place. It’s unrequited.” He smiled at the floor. “I really don’t feel like doing a damn thing about it.”


	5. Like Reaching For the Sunlight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're a hardcore fan who's seen Enterprise(im sorry) then you'll notice I've stolen a tiny plot point.  
> Anyway, enjoy~

Their second year out was much more exciting. They were done reclassifying planets, now they had been tasked with actual diplomatic missions. It was, so far, a lot of ‘take this sacred object to this planet and give to this dignitary’, but it was a lot more exciting meeting other species than it was cataloging mostly dead planets.

Kirk was in the mess hall eating a bowl of beef and potato stew, going over the next diplomatic mission. This one had no sacred object to bring, it was mostly Kirk’s favorite thing, a formal and public apology for a perceived slight humans had made years before Kirk was even born. Some species could hold grudges forever.

“What did we do wrong?” He asked Spock, putting the padd down on the table.

Spock, of course, had read the whole report already and was eating a bowl of plomeek soup. He glanced up. “You have the report.”

“Spock, you know it’s easier if you just tell me.” Kirk urged him on with a smile.

Spock raised an eyebrow, unamused, but not unwilling. It was true, he did know it was easier to inform the Captain himself. The information always seemed to stick better that way. “The last time humans visited their planet, they ate food in front of the host species.”

Kirk almost choked on his potatoes. “S’that all?”

Spock blinked at him.

“Spock, seriously. Is that it?”

“If you had read the report, you would know that for them, eating in public is viewed the same way having sex in public would be.”

Kirk did choke on his food that time. He should have known better than to take another bite. When he finally got it down he couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

“If we continue on our present heading, we will reach the planet in just under two months.” Spock said, reading from his own reports. “That will give you sufficient time to take this matter seriously.”

“Relax, Spock. I’ll take it seriously, I just find it hard to believe something as easily explained as that would cause such a rift for over 50 years.”

“They refused to let humans speak to them until recently.”

“So we never even had the chance to explain ourselves!”

“Now that the opportunity has arisen, they require a public apology to even consider the Federation’s invitation.”

Kirk pushed his bowl to the side and rolled his neck, “It doesn’t sit well with me, the fact that they shut us out and now demand an apology,” He rolled his eyes. “but I’m a good dog. I sit when I’m told, I roll over and heel.” Spock locked eyes with him. Kirk smiled. “I’ve been trained not to chew on the rug.”

“Captain?”

“I’ll play nice as long as they do, Mister Spock. It’s been five months since I had to scan a dead planet, I’m not eager to return to that.”

Spock gave him a look before he slid Kirk’s padd over to himself. Kirk knew that look, it was the look that said, 'You need to play nice even if _they_ don't' and he was grateful that Spock didn't say it out loud. Spock typed a few lines on Kirk's padd and turned it, sliding it back to Kirk. “In that case, you might want to read over the specifics of the public apology.”

“Specifics?” Kirk asked. He was expecting to stand before a council and say he was sorry on behalf of the human race. He picked the padd up and read the parts Spock had highlighted for him. His eyebrows scrunched together and he wrinkled his nose. Letting out a laugh of disbelief, he nearly shouted, “Do we even _have_ a chainsaw??”

Kirk’s rehearsing the speech he’s supposed to make later that night in his quarters. It’s like he’s in a high school play, dramatically holding the padd in front of him, making wide gestures with his free hand as he goes through the parts he remembers and reads the rest.

There’s a knock on the bathroom door and he stops briefly. “Come in.”

Spock is standing in the doorway with his hands behind his back, head inclined to the side. “Your volume is correct but you need more work on your pronunciation.”

Kirk’s arms dropped to his sides, a tired smile on his face. “Oh do I, Mister Spock?”

Spock nodded. “Your intonation on the second half is off. It needs to be more confident and less exasperated, unless your intention is to keep tensions high.”

Kirk rolled his eyes and loosened his shoulders, lifting the padd and his free hand again he repeated the speech, implementing Spock's recommendations.

Spock was amused, Kirk could see it. If the guy ever laughed, he was doing it now. With his vibrant brown eyes that moved with Kirk’s arm motions, and the quirk of his mouth that made itself known ever so slightly more and more. He was laughing at Kirk in his own Spock way.

Kirk dropped the padd. His arms wrapped around his stomach and he doubled over, coughing hard and choking. He could feel his dinner coming up. His eyes were watering so he couldn’t even begin to find his trash can, but thankfully it was shoved against him and he let go of his stomach to hold onto it as he fell to his knees and started to vomit.

After a few minutes, he sniffled lightly and wiped at his eyes. He pushed the trash can away, breathing heavily, and heard a chirp of a comm, followed by Bones’ voice. “I’m on my way.”

“Doctor McCoy will be here with an allergy shot soon.” Spock said. He sounded far away but he was close enough that Kirk knew he saw what was in the trash can.

A fully formed sunflower. Thankfully, not the giant wild ones. It was small, palm sized. He could feel some of the smaller petals stuck in the sides of his cheeks. He fished them out with his tongue and spit them on the floor, unable to move forward to reach the trash can where he had shoved it. His mouth tasted awful. 'Note to self, no beef stew for the rest of the season.'

“Time for round two, I guess.” Kirk sighed quietly. 

“Are you allergic to sunflowers?” Spock asked, just as quiet.

Kirk shook his head. It was a tactical move. In the last year since he had realized he was in love with Spock and that he would cough up whatever flowers Spock liked best, he had been showing him flowers from earth. All ones that he knew he wasn’t allergic to and ones that he hoped would be small enough to not hurt him as much. Tactical.

Of course, Spock had never shown favor one way or another. It was always analytical curiosity or a monotone “fascinating”. Kirk never heard a single word of appreciation or even a delve into further research of any of the flowers. He just had to gush about a flower for whatever made up reason he could think of and hope Spock latched onto it enough to replace the Varalinth shoot that he still grew in the lab from Kirk’s worst allergy season. He had enough of it grown now that he was able to send some of it back to New Vulcan for both the Council and his alternate self but he still cultivated it and Kirk worried off and on about hacking it back up.

Seeing the sunflower in the trash can now, Kirk breathed a quiet sigh of relief and sat back on his heels.

“You said I had two months until we get to the planet?” Kirk looked up at Spock.

Spock nodded once. “A little under.” Decidedly not being overly specific to ease Kirk’s trepidation.

“Last allergy season lasted three weeks, before that it was about two weeks. So even at the rate of increase, it should only be four weeks at the most.” He grunted as he stood back up on shaky legs. “I’ll be better before we get to the planet.” Kirk hoped it would cap at four weeks. None of his normal allergy seasons ever went past that, unless there was a particularly high pollen count or dust storm somewhere, then he usually suffered nose bleeds for however long the air was polluted. But none of that was relevant.

“Captain.” Spock sounded worried.

Kirk looked up at him, unaware that he was hunched over, leaning on his knees. “I’m fine, it just wore me out.” He chuckled lightly and straightened up.

His door chirped at him and he startled. Before he could answer Spock ordered, “Enter.” The door opened and Bones ran in, hypospray at the ready.

“Are you allergic to it?” He asked immediately, stabbing Kirk with the allergy shot before even getting an answer.

“Ow… No, I’m not. It’s a sunflower.”

Bones locked eyes briefly with Kirk and started a scan with his tricorder. “How much?”

“A full flower and some extra petals.”

“Can’t be good that you’re starting out this strong.”

“Gotta be something that I’m not allergic to it.” He quipped.

That got another look from Bones and then he returned to his scan. “It seems fine. Comparable at least with last year.”

“Doctor, do you know yet what causes the change in plant matter?” Spock inquired.

They both seemed to have forgotten he was there still. Bones made sure not to look at Kirk as he answered. “Just theories.” He finished his scan and added some notes. Once he was done he took out the extra allergy shots and divided them up between Kirk and Spock. Seven for Kirk to start with, two of the higher doses for Spock. “Keep track of it, make sure you inject yourself as _soon_ as you feel the itch in your lungs, otherwise you won’t be able to eat and we need you at full Captain strength.”

He laughed lightly. “Yeah especially since I’m going to be using a chainsaw.”

Bones snorted. “Not just using it, gesturing with it.”

“Am I cleared to keep exercising?” 

“Not yet. Light everything until we see how serious this round of allergies is going to be. Regular walks and light swimming only. No away missions, even if an emergency pops up. Keep me updated and I’ll do the same. Spock, remember, if you hear him puking his lungs out in the middle of the night, don’t ask questions, just stab him with the hypo.” Spock raised an eyebrow but nodded at the Doctor. “Good. Now get some rest. It’s late.” He turned back on Kirk before he was fully out of the room. "And I expect to see you in my office tomorrow morning as soon as you wake up." Kirk nodded, not fighting it, just glad that he didn't have to go tonight.

Bones left the room, making a few more notes in Kirk’s file as he went. Once the door was closed, Kirk placed all of the allergy shots Bones gave him on the little table by his bed. He sat on the edge and stared into space for a second before turning back to Spock.

“I can hear how loud your thoughts are, Spock. Care to voice any of them?”

Spock took a second and then asked, “What are your current theories as to the cause of the change of plant matter?”

“What?”

“Doctor McCoy said all you had were theories. What are your theories?”

Kirk weighed how much truth he could put in his answers before Spock would get suspicious that he knew the actual cause and wondered if he could give him more than two theories before leading Spock to the correct answer himself. He fiddled a bit with the edge of his blanket, trying to stall a little while longer.

“I used to think it was an omen. The first time I coughed up petals was back at the academy.” Had he been looking at Spock, he would have noticed a slight frown, the scrunch of his eyebrows and downturn at the edges of Spock’s mouth. “I didn’t tell Bones about it the first two years it happened, there were a lot of other much more important things going on, but they came right before two of the worst things that ever happened in my life.” ‘Yours too,’ he didn’t say. “But then last year nothing horrible happened. So we theorized that it was just a seasonal allergy. Then the flowers changed and we thought maybe it was … situational.” He remembered suddenly that he never told Spock about it having anything to do with unrequited love at all. Here he was worried about clueing Spock in to the fact that it was him Kirk was in love with, but he hadn’t even let him in on the kick off point! 

Kirk smiled slightly and finally looked up at Spock. He could make a decent lie out of this. “The first time was when Vulcan was destroyed and I had been coughing up Kal’ta leaves. Then last year we were on that planet and I started coughing up the grey flower.”

“Shaedrum.” Spock interjected.

“Pardon?”

“Shaedrum. Ensign Chekov and I named the grey flower Shaedrum.”

Kirk smiled wider, sincere. He cleared his throat. If it weren’t for Bones’ allergy shot, he knew he would be doubled over on the floor again right now.

“Shaedrum. When I started coughing up the Shaedrum, that was when we thought it was situational. Kal’ta for Vulcan. Shaedrum for Parselinia III.”

“What are your theories now?”

Kirk tilted his head.

Spock gestured to the trash can. “What is your theory for the sunflower?”

Kirk shrugged. “Too soon to tell.”

Spock assessed him with a look and then seemed to stiffen ever so slightly. Before Kirk could ask him about it, Spock announced, “It seems the dose Doctor McCoy has given you has already set in well enough that you will not need to worry about another attack for the rest of the night. I will leave you to get rested, Captain.”

A little off kilter at the sudden change in tone, Kirk just nodded and replied, “Of course, Mister Spock,” quietly.

If Spock had been even a smidge stiffer, he would have about-faced and marched out of the room. Was he angry? Kirk couldn’t tell. He went over the conversation in his mind and tried to find out what he could have possibly said to piss Spock off. He seemed amicable enough before the sudden stiffness. 

“Lights to ten percent.” Kirk told the room, falling backwards on his bed as the lights dimmed. He scrubbed at his eyes until he saw starbursts and then he tried not to think about Spock for the rest of the night.

He failed.

Spock for his part, spent most of the night doing his own research again. Kirk's refusal to share his current theory with Spock was infuriating. Not to mention the fact that Spock knew he was lying anyway. He was annoyed that Kirk couldn’t even lie to him properly. He loosened his jaw. Noted. Filed away for later meditation.

There were a few new articles on Hanahaki disease and a good sized bundle of new information on Chronic Hanahaki. He found the anonymous patient file of Kirk’s that Bones had submitted last year and then following that, there were four new updates. Chronic Hanahaki sufferers that had decided to come forward with more information after reading the Captain’s report. People eager to add their own experiences and findings to the case file so that other sufferers wouldn’t be as afraid in the future.

Spock felt a slight surge of positive emotion at the chain reaction.

… Noted.

He opened the longest of the new updates. He read through it quickly. This woman was in love with someone who died. Without a catalyst for the infection to latch on to, the flowers stopped. However, when she fell in love again, the flowers returned. Different. She learned, after getting to know her new love, that the flowers were their favorite.

There was more information but Spock kept reading that line over and over.

The flowers were her love’s favorite.

Spock did the mental run down and came to the same realization that Kirk had back when he talked to Bones. Only the people on board Enterprise had seen the Shaedrum at the time Kirk had started to cough it up. Which meant Kirk was in love with someone on the ship.

There was a pain in Spock’s chest. 

The first time, Kirk had said, was when Vulcan was destroyed. Kirk was at the academy then.

Of the people currently on Enterprise, the only ones he thought Kirk knew back at the academy were Nyota and Bones. It wasn’t a hundred percent as he didn’t know Kirk too well back then, but it was a high enough percentage that he was willing to base his main theories around it.

He scrunched his eyebrows together. Was it anger?

No. That was too much emotion.

Noted.

He needed to meditate.

As he went through his breathing, Spock knew. He knew that knowing the object of Kirk’s affections were on the same ship meant nothing. What mattered, was that the object of affection controlled the plant matter Kirk coughed up. As long as Kirk continued to cough up sunflowers, he would be relatively safe since he wasn’t allergic.

There was a shift thirteen days ago where Spock and Kirk had overlapped on deck. Kirk was talking excitedly about sunflowers. 

Nyota and Bones were both present then.

Spock focused on a sandstorm. One of his deeper meditation techniques. Imagine a sandstorm and slowly attempt to control it. He breathed in deeply, exhaling slowly.

Kirk had mentioned the field near his farm being overgrown with ‘sunforest’ sunflowers. They were huge. “About as big as my head!” He had exclaimed. But Kirk liked the smaller ones. ‘Dwarf sunflowers’ he said they were called.

Apparently he spoke passionately enough about them that it caught someone’s eye.

Spock breathed a little deeper, drawing his attention back to the sandstorm. The individual grains of sand almost hurting to reach out and touch.

As he breathed out, slow and quiet, he whispered an almost incoherent, _“Kaiidth.”_

What is, is. And Spock couldn’t change it.

“Was this why you called me to the bridge 2 weeks ago? To help you with your little plot to get Spock to fall in love with sunflowers?” Bones asked the next day, straight-faced and utterly done with Kirk’s self-satisfied smile.

“It was one of many plots, Bones. Give me some credit.” He sat on the couch in Bones’ office, letting his CMO scan him and run some tests. He was grateful Bones let this happen in the office and not sickbay, just in case there were any orderlies nearby to overhear. “I needed to make sure Spock liked a flower that I wasn’t allergic to and wasn’t 90% hard shoots. It was calculated.”

Bones rolled his eyes, checking his scans and sensors. It would have made more sense for him to put an effort into trying to get Spock to love _him_ and not just specific flowers. “What’s next? Or were you just going to hammer in on Sunflowers every time we discover a new plant?”

Kirk laughed. “I was hoping to try Impatiens. They’re small and the petals are soft but wide so there are fewer of them on one plant. I think they would feel a lot better coming up. Even the sunflowers are already starting to get to me. I didn’t think the thin petals would keep getting stuck in my cheeks. And the little black bits keep getting stuck in my teeth. It’s like when you eat at the beach? Everything crunches with sand.”

Bones resisted the urge to roll his eyes again. He could just hear his mother, _“They’ll stick in the back of your head if you keep doing that, Len!”_

“The end goal should be _not_ to cough up flowers, Jim.” He took off the wires and stickies and made a few short notes. Nothing different to report, just general upkeep.

Kirk looked a little uneasy, not his typical smug self at Bones’ suggestion.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Bones asked, sitting on the edge of his desk and crossing his arms.

“We already went over this,” Kirk said, scrunching his eyebrows together. “If there was any hope for me, I wouldn’t be coughing up flowers to begin with.”

“Maybe that’s not true.”

“What do you mean? None of the cases we read about said their unrequited love fell for them. They either moved on to someone who loved them back, or they died and the infection didn’t stick around.”

Bones shrugged. “Just because it wasn’t documented doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen. It’s still a valid theory.”

Jim could feel his heart beating harder at the hope, the possibility.

He could feel his cheeks heat up, not embarrassed, ashamed. There was no way Spock would love him back. He was too stupid to know he was in love in the first place, he had to develop a rarer than rare allergy to figure it out! Stupid was not a trait Spock would find attractive.

“Bones, I-”

He was interrupted by his comm beeping loudly and Uhura’s voice announcing, “Bridge to the Captain.”

“Go ahead.”

“I’m picking up a distress call. M class planet, a crashed crew is asking for anyone to help.”

“I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Understood.”

Kirk snapped his comm closed and gave Bones a look. He opened his mouth to say something but ended up shutting it and just shrugging. “Am I good to go?” He asked when he reached the door.

“Yeah, kid.” Bones nearly sighed. “Stay out of trouble.”

A stop to the planet was barely a day out of the way, so it wouldn’t make them late for their mission. The Betazoids they picked up on the planet even made arrangements for a ship to rendezvous with them so Enterprise wouldn’t have to drop them off anywhere that would take time away.

Kirk found it was nice having a distraction on board. There were five Betazoids on ship, crash landed on an M class planet when being fired on by an Orion smuggler ship. The Orion’s had scanned the wreckage and the Betazoids had been able to trick the scanners into displaying no vital signs so they were left alone. The Orion scouter ship ended up being shot down by the native species. When the Betazoids attempted to contact the natives, they became a target as well. So they sent out a distress beacon.

“I do apologize for the inconvenience of not being able to take you elsewhere.” Jim apologized, as he escorted them to the mess hall once they had all been cleared with Medbay.

“We understand, Captain.” Tasi, the Betazoid Captain, reassured him. “We appreciate the help getting off the planet unharmed.”

One of the crew, Emonn, spoke up as well. “We are lucky to have a few of our ships in transport.” He smiled, a few of the other crew laughed joyously.

Kirk smiled, their happiness was infectious. “Where are you all headed?”

Tasi gestured wildly with one hand. “Oh, everywhere! But a good number of us who were already travelling are heading to the same place currently. A planet in the Virindi system. One of our own is getting married to a native and wishes to have a huge ceremony. This will be the first native to marry outside of their planet and we wish to show them the depth of our species' affections.”

“That sounds amazing.” Kirk laughed. He showed them how the controls on the replicators worked and then showed them to a table. “How do Betazoid marriages normally go?”

Their captain smiled wide and she made a gesture that Kirk thought was similar to the sign for love in esl. “A marriage is a wonderful thing! It’s a celebration of love! One that every Betazoid wants to participate in. For us to be invited even though we are off-world, is even more than we could have hoped for.”

Ledow, their engineer, leaned over the table excitedly. “You are also full of love, Captain! Who is your intended?”

Kirk looked momentarily startled and then immediately shifted into ‘dignitary escort taxi driver’. “I’m sorry, how much do you know about humans?”

Tasi shrugged. “Not a lot. I apologize for my crew’s impetuousness, we’re an empathic race, some of us border on telepathic but for Ledow here, she is just empathic.”

Kirk nodded. “So you… sense emotions.”

Ledow cocked her head to the side. “As our captain says, I apologize for being impulsive, I can sense the uncertainty in you. The… fear. I had sensed you felt love before when Captain Tasi was speaking, I thought you also would be celebrating.”

“Emotions should never be kept secret, Captain.” Tasi chides him. “I feel it’s safe to assume humans have no such telepathic or empathic abilities?”

“Not as much.” Kirk answered, trying not to betray any other damning emotions. He was just glad Sulu and Uhura stayed on the bridge with Spock when Kirk had met them at the transporter and escorted the Betazoids to medbay.

Tasi nodded, understanding. “In our homeworld, we embrace truth in all matters. It would hardly be productive to try to hide our emotions in a race full of telepaths.”

“Yeah well,” Kirk smiled nervously. “On Earth, we humans have a habit of keeping a lot of secrets.”

Emonn frowned a bit. “How do you get anything done?”

“Well, it’s not like we _lie_ about everything. It’s just that personal things, like emotions, are kept more close to the chest.”

“Like Vulcans.” One of the other crew members suggested. Kirk hadn’t gotten his name.

“Not so much, but on a scale from Betazoids to Vulcans I’d say we’re a little in the middle.” Kirk explained. He was beginning to regret wanting a distraction on board. As it was, he cleared his throat, and took a sip of the tea he had replicated before they sat down.

“Vulcans are bonded at a young age to ensure they mate when they’re older. Is that what humans do?”

“Some human cultures do. Not a lot of them anymore.”

Ledow throws her hands up, a playful smile on her face. “I don’t understand, Captain Kirk! If you keep your emotions close to the chest and you are not bonded when you are young, how will you ever get to express the love you are feeling?”

Kirk laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck self consciously. “Honestly,” Tasi laughed quietly. “I have no idea.”

It was only a few hours later that the closest Betazoid ship was able to intercept them. Scotty and Uhura both went with Jim as he escorted the group to their transporter room. Uhura had been eager to speak with them about their primary language and customs. After she had gone off shift she replaced Kirk, who was glad for an excuse to take a break from them, and had been talking with them animatedly ever since.

She got as much conversation in with the crew as she could in the transporter room while Captain Tasi said her goodbyes and another thanks to Kirk just outside.

She smiled softly and placed her hands on his arms, giving him a gentle squeeze. “Please do not keep with the human tradition of keeping your emotions ‘close to the chest’. These feelings are hurting you, I can feel them. You may take a supplement to keep them under control but the pain is still within you.”

He smiled back at her and nodded. “Thank you for the advice.”

She laughed. “I can feel it is unwanted.”

He laughed louder at that, genuine and a little thrilled. “Nevertheless, I do appreciate it.” She nodded at him. “But it’s a lot more complicated than-”

“Captain.” Spock’s voice came from down the hall.

_Shit._ Kirk thought. He could feel his heart jump but hoped it was just out of surprise.

“Mister Spock.” Kirk said, by way of greeting and as a question. A soft _‘what the hell are you doing here?’_

“I wished to see the crew off.” He turned and bowed slightly to Captain Tasi. “I am pleased to see you have yet to depart.”

She smiled at him, grip tightening on Kirk’s forearms. “I’m glad we hadn’t left you. Pleased to meet you again, I didn’t get your name earlier.” 

“Oh, this is Mister Spock, my first officer. Spock, this is Captain Tasi Acheitar.” He gestured back and forth between them. “They’re on their way to a wedding.”

They both bowed their heads towards each other again and Tasi gestured to the transporter room with one hand. “The rest of my crew are inside, saying their goodbyes to Lieutenant Uhura, if you wish to speak with them as well.”

“Thank you.” He told her, moving past them, briefly looking down at her grip on the Captain and up to make sure he was alright. Kirk nodded his assurance and Spock went into the room.

Once he was gone Tasi lowered her voice to be considerate. “I see now why it would be _complicated._ ”

Kirk nodded, puckering his lips a bit. “Yeah.”

“Don’t let it consume you.” She warned him gently, letting go of his arms after another soft squeeze.

“I’m glad we met, Tasi.”

“Did you _know_ that everyone at a Betazoid wedding is nude?” Scotty was shouting later that day in the mess at dinner. Well, late dinner.

“What?” Kirk shook his head. “I was talking to them about weddings for like an hour! That never came up.”

Uhura nodded, waiting until she swallowed her food to back Scotty up. “It’s true, Captain. They told me that too and I looked it up in the database.”

Kirk's eyes widened a bit. He shook his head again and took a bite of his mashed potatoes. Something soft enough to not agitate his throat but filling enough that he wouldn’t be hungry later and Bones wouldn’t be on his case about not eating.

“Captain,” Spock asked once the excitement had dimmed down enough. “What were you and their Captain speaking about?”

Kirk shrugged, gesturing softly with his fork. “The wedding.”

“Outside of the transporter room. She had a grip on you that seemed urgent. Were they in need of further assistance?”

“Oh. No, she had been gently lecturing me on human customs of keeping our emotions close to the chest.” Kirk laughed, not exactly lying.

Spock raised an eyebrow. “If this is what you call ‘close to the chest’, I shudder to think of humans who do not.”

Uhura almost spat out her water laughing and Scotty froze in shock. Kirk’s mouth gaped open, a wide disbelieving smile on his face. “ _Mister_ Spock! Was that a joke?”

Spock turned his head a bit. “An observation.”

“You’ve been a bad influence on him, Jim.” Uhura said, swiping at Kirk’s arm with one hand and rubbing Spock’s arm consolingly.

“Hey, it wasn’t me!” Kirk fought back.

Scotty finally unfroze and laughed so hard Kirk thought he would start crying. It was infectious enough they all started to laugh, while Spock sat next to them, calmly eating his salad. It sent them into a further volley of hysterics which ended for Kirk in a coughing fit.

“Captain, are you okay?” Uhura asked, her smile slipping from her face while Scotty jumped up to get some water.

Kirk nodded, still coughing. “I’ll be fine.” He said when he was able to speak. “I just need to get to my room.”

“I will escort the captain to his quarters.” Spock announced. When Uhura turned to him with a question on her face he explained briefly. “He has been experiencing allergies lately and Dr. McCoy supplied him with a hypospray.” She nodded, ushering them to get a move on.

Spock took the cup of water from Scotty when he intercepted them at the door to the mess hall. “Thank you.” Spock told him, since Kirk was still unable to speak.

Once they got into the lift Kirk let go of his hold on Spock and dropped to his knees. He vomited up his mashed potatoes, glad he hadn’t eaten anything too hardy, and several small pink fuzzy things.

He sat back on his heels and breathed loud and labored. “What is that?” He asked, almost accusingly.

Spock looked over and took out his scanner. “I believe… yes. It is the flowers from a Muktok plant. It is native to the planet Betazed.”

“How do you know that?” Kirk asked, picking up the flowers and shoving them in his pockets as the lift approached their stop. He stood up and pressed a button on the side of the wall. “Clean up.” He said, calling a bot to the lift for the food he puked up. 

“I read about Betazed when I was at the academy. The native plant life had intrigued me back then so I did a bit of research.”

Kirk snorted, wiping his mouth as he continued to his quarters. He knew what ‘a bit’ was to Spock.

“Captain, are you allergic to these plants?” Spock had been thinking about the Muktok plant all day since after the initial distress call. He had been enamored with them when he was younger, to the point that Uhura when they were dating had gotten him a tiny metallic pendant of the blooms. It was one of a few ‘nonsensical’ items he had kept in his room. In his parent’s house on Vulcan.

“We’ll find out, won’t we?” Kirk asked almost sarcastically as he punched in the code for his room.

Spock followed him in and stayed behind as Kirk went to the bathroom to rinse his mouth out. Once he was clean of the aftertaste, he accepted the cup of water from Spock and drank a few gratifying sips.

“Shit.” He muttered before puking up the water immediately into the sink. He turned for the toilet and grabbed onto the edge of the sink, not wanting to fall to his knees again.

In the back of his mind he thought he felt the sting of a hypospray and heard the hiss of the shot but he was still in the middle of an attack. Thankfully the flowers were small, but due to the nature of the plant, there were a lot of them for one go.

When he felt like he was nearing the end of it, he ran his tongue over his teeth and spat out a few stray petals, flushing down a whole bouquet.

He stood up and leaned on the wall for balance, taking a deep breath. “That was interesting.” He said, smiling softly at Spock who was standing in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest and still looking worried. “Hey, did you stab me?” Kirk asked drowsily, gesturing to his neck.

Spock nodded.

“Okay. Cool.”

“Captain!” Spock caught Kirk under the arms as he tipped over. He picked Kirk up on his feet enough to get one of Kirk’s arms over his head and around his shoulders to walk him to his bed.

Kirk laughed. “Bones told me yours would make me drowsy. Didn’t think it’d be that fast though.” He had probably upped the dose since last year.

Spock placed him gently in his bed and positioned him in a way he hoped wouldn’t lead to him falling off his bed at some point through the night.

He sat down on the edge of the bed, next to Kirk, and took out his padd. “I am taking you off of shift tomorrow until you are positive you are not allergic to the Muktok.”

“Roger.” Kirk muttered, saluting the ceiling.

“And I will be sending a message to Dr. McCoy about supplying me with another allergy shot.”

Kirk whined at that. “No! Just. Take one of mine! I’ll tell Bones about this later.”

“I do not know where your supply is.” Spock answered, not adding that that was why he had used his emergency shot in the first place.

“N’my desk drawer.” Kirk slurred out. Eyes closed, gesturing in the general direction of his desk. “Lights... 20%.” He slurred a little louder. The room dimmed. As soon as Kirk felt the bed lift without the weight of Spock on it he cracked open an eye. “Oh shit, sorry, d’you need light?”

“Negative, Captain.”

Kirk snorted a laugh. “Cool.”

Spock opened three drawers before he found the one that had the allergy shots and he took one, counting how many Kirk had left in case he did need to call McCoy later. He stalled in the room a few more minutes, waiting to make sure there would be no adverse side effects for Captain Kirk. When he judged he had waited long enough, he took a few steps towards the bathroom, intending to go to his own quarters. He was stopped by another slurring of words from Kirk.

“Captain?”

Whatever Kirk said next was too quiet to hear so Spock approached the bed, asking him to repeat himself. 

Kirk didn’t open his eyes but he spoke slower and stressed the words harder, like a drunk man trying to explain where he lived to a poor taxi driver. “Did. You know. Beta...zoids. Can read. Emotions.”

“I am aware.”

“S’kinda cool.” He let out a quiet laugh. “Kinda unslettle… unletten… _un-settl-ing._ ” He was having a hard time making his tongue work the way he wanted it to. “They asked. Questions about feelings. I barely. Knew I had.” He laughed again. “S’weird.”

“What questions? Did they try to compromise you?” Spock asked, kneeling next to the bed so he could hear Kirk’s answer.

Kirk waved a hand loosely. “Nooo. No, no, no.” He swiped lightly at Spock’s shoulder. “Oh shit. S’that you?” His hand patted around until he found Spock’s neck, following the path up to his face. His hand cupped Spock’s cheek softly for a second, Kirk turning enough on his side and finally opening his eyes to look at Spock in the dim light of his room. “I’m fine, Spock.” He smiled. “Got you t’look after me.” His eyes shut again and his hand dropped from Spock’s face, arm going slack, sleep finally taking him.

Spock stayed in his knelt position by the edge of the bed for a few seconds more, then he got up. He pulled the blankets on the bed over Kirk and left by way of the bathroom, rethinking suddenly and turning around. He grabbed the water cup and filled it again with water from the sink and brought the trash can over to the edge of the bed. Then he went and grabbed another one of Kirk’s shots, placing that and the water glass on the bedside table. 

Then he went to his quarters and meditated until he no longer felt the ghost of Kirk’s hand against his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha remember when I said I was gonna post a chapter a week and now I'm like here's a chapter every other day pretty much.  
> I'm impatient.  
> This is my first time writing something so long and posting it so if there are any content warnings that you think I should add, please let me know!


	6. Roots Weaving Through Ribs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What up, I meant to upload this a little sooner but I've been panicking about a possible job.  
> Anyway, thanks for sticking with me!

“What was it?” Bones asked again, reading the latest recordings from Jim on his tricorder.

“Spock said it was called a Muktok. Apparently from the Betazoid’s home planet.” Kirk fidgeted on the biobed and Bones smacked his hands away from the stickies on his chest. “They itch!”

“I need to make sure the readings are accurate.” He double checked the readings on the tests, comparing them to his tricorder and making notes.

“Can you tell if I’m allergic to them?” Kirk asked, craning his neck to try and see what Bones was annotating.

“Nope. That’s not really how this works, kiddo. I won’t know until you cough up another bundle and we see what happens to you.” He started to take the stickies off of Kirk. “No more this morning?”

Kirk shrugged. “None so far. They’re pretty nice, soft petals, small blooms. The only downside so far is that there’s so damn many of them in one go. I looked up the bush they usually grow from,” He made a face. “I just hope I’m not working my way up to the full plant.”

“Why didn’t Spock come ask me for a new hypospray yet?” Bones asked, almost accusatory.

“I think I gave him one of mine before I passed out.” Kirk said. His thoughts of the night before were still a little fuzzy. He remembered getting out of the bathroom, but he didn’t remember getting on his bed. He remembered telling Spock not to tell Bones about needing another allergy shot, but he didn’t remember when Spock left the room. He also didn’t remember getting another glass of water, though he appreciated having it so close by when he woke up, or moving his trash can close to the bed. 

“Well I commed him to get down here as soon as he’s off duty to get another one.”

“Bones! He has a shot, let him be!” Kirk rolled his eyes.

Bones nearly slammed his padd down on the bed next to Kirk. “Dammit, Jim! He has a higher dosage! I give Spock the special shot with the higher dose and the ability to knock you out because if it gets to the point that Spock needs to inject you because you _waited too long_ then that means you need a stronger hit!”

Kirk was silent, assessing Bones’ anger. He nodded.

Bones sighed, wiped a hand over his face. “Jim…” He adjusted his shoulders. “I’m just trying to take care of you.”

“Yeah I get it, Bones.” Kirk offered him a smile. “I know I don’t make it easy, but I do, for the most part, appreciate it.”

“Yeah. Well.” He picked up his padd and shut all the monitors off. “How do you feel?”

Kirk shrugged. “The usual, I guess.” He thought about something suddenly. “Oh actually. Tasi.”

“Who?”

“The Betazoid captain. She told me something I wanted to check up on. She told me that even though I take supplements, the pain is still within me. Was that a metaphor or did she mean that my insides are still getting messed up when I take the shots? She's telepathic or something so I thought it was worth a worry.”

Bones frowned. “I’m… going to need to run some tests on that.” He sent a message on his comm and when it chirped a few seconds later, he told Kirk, “Get back here at 1600 hours. Until then, don’t take any allergy shots, if you have an attack, comm me or get here immediately.”

Kirk knew better than to argue with him when he was like this so he just nodded and hopped off the bed.

Kirk wasn’t about to tell Bones he had flowers in his throat almost all day. Almost an hour after leaving sickbay he started feeling the scratchy throat feeling he always got before he goes into an attack. But this time he just kept clearing his throat and coughing up bits of petals. 

It probably helped that Spock wasn’t around. But, like everything else they were working with, that was just another theory.

Kirk occupied his time with reading over mission reports and working on his own about the Betazoid side job to send in. Once that was done, and he had a neat little pile of petals in his trash can, he started on rereading the speech he was expected to give once they made it to their next planet. He would need to get the pronunciation and the tone correct to avoid another shutout from the colony.

By the time 1600 rolled around, Kirk had been casually coughing up petals for a good few hours. Enough for about eighteen blooms total. It was probably safe to say he wasn’t allergic to it, at least.

“I’m back, Bones.” He announced as he walked into what he deemed his own personal room in sickbay now.

Bones was already in the room speaking quietly to Spock and they both looked up when he entered. Kirk stopped short, blinking a few times before tossing out a nervous smile. “Why do I feel like my ears should be burning?”

“I do not-”

“It’s an expression, Spock.” Kirk stopped him short.

“I was telling Spock about the new allergy shot I’ve been synthesizing. He thinks it’s too soon to test it out on you. But I wanted you both here for the x-ray.”

“X-ray??” Kirk startled.

Bones let out a world-weary sigh. “Yes, Jim. X-ray. The question you asked me earlier, about your insides? I need an x-ray to run tests on it and I thought Spock should be here since he’s your secondary health care agent. He needs to be in the loop.” Bones said, looking directly at Kirk but making sure to keep his tone even so Spock wouldn’t suspect it went any deeper than that.

Kirk’s eyes widened momentarily but he just shook his head and then nodded with an eye roll. “Yeah, sure, why not?”

Bones patted the bed and snapped the scanner down once Jim was laying flat. He activated the x-ray and then asked the question Kirk had been praying he wouldn’t. “Have you been coughing anything up today?”

“Yeah.”

He could hear Bones’ last nerve snap. If he had been holding a clipboard instead of a padd, he would’ve broken it in half. “Dammit, Jim! I told you to come see me if you had an attack!”

“It wasn’t an attack!” Jim yelled back, keeping as still as he could while raising his voice. “It was a gentle cough accompanied by some petals!”

"You dipshit!" Bones nearly barked at him.

“Doctor.”

“Sorry, Spock, he’s just-” Bones gestured at Kirk’s everything.

Spock nodded. “I understand, Doctor, but I must insist on maintaining professionalism here.”

“Yeah, I got it.” Bones shook his head, anger emitting off of him like heat from a radiator. He stabbed the padd as he made his notes and took a deep breath before asking, “Any full flowers?”

“Nope.”

“How was the passing?”

“No vomit, they just came out while I was coughing.”

“Spock?” Bones gestured to Kirk.

“Doctor?” Spock asked, unsure what Bones meant.

“As one of his health care agents, anything you wanna add?”

Spock took a look over the vitals that all read mostly normal except for a slight difficulty in breathing. “Does it hurt?”

Kirk remembered at the last second not to shrug. “Not really. Not now, at least.”

“Have you ascertained whether you are allergic to the Muktok yet?”

“I don’t think I am. I don’t think I’d be able to cough them out so easily if I was. It’s been a few hours since I had a shot.”

“Do you feel them growing inside of you?”

Kirk let out a slight laugh, he could feel his cheeks heat up against his will. That was an oddly personal question. He looked over at Spock. “No.” He lied. “Not until they’re in my throat, trying to come out.”

There was a quiet beat where Spock just stared at him and then, “I have no further questions.” Spock told McCoy, not breaking eye contact with Kirk.

Kirk broke it himself, looked up at the ceiling. He didn’t know why he lied. He didn’t… he just didn’t know how to explain without losing his composure. How when he sat there and focused on it, how at night when he couldn’t sleep, he could feel them grow on his lungs and bloom until they took up too much space and he had to vomit them up. It felt like roots weaving through his ribs. Like the flowers, even when they were soft, blossomed out and pushed against his heart.

Kirk spoke of it as ‘a scratchy throat’ but it was so much more than that. Especially when it came to the Varalinth. The hard roots that wrapped around his lungs, the shoots that sprouted and broke off into pieces when they couldn’t fit in his throat. It hurt the entire way.

When Bones finished the x-ray he unlocked the scanner and lifted it, allowing Kirk to sit up and move. “You get a few minutes of free time and then we need to induce an attack and hit you with a shot.”

“Beg pardon.”

“You heard me.” Bones flipped the screens on the wall so that they were in view for Kirk and Spock. “These are old scans. This is from two years ago. This is from last year after your allergy season. This one is from just now.” Bones pointed out the faint scarring on his lungs. “This one, two years ago, these clouds on the x-ray are scars on your lungs. They’re from the plant’s roots. They didn’t appear on any scans until after your bouquet, so it’s safe to say your throat isn’t all you have to worry about. It isn’t bad enough to be pulmonary fibrosis, but we definitely need to keep an eye on it.” He pointed out the new scans. “These lines are your current little flowers. A small root system, thin stems, some petals blooming. If you weren’t lying earlier about the petals,” Kirk held his hands up in defense and Bones nodded to say he believed him. “I can safely assume that the current roots stay in place until you have a proper attack.”

“Okay.” Kirk said. He fidgeted with the edge of the bed, unsure of what to add. He thought about it a few more seconds before asking, “So why are we inducing the attack? To see what?”

“To see if, once you cough out the flower, the allergy shot stops the next growth entirely or just slows it down.”

Kirk nodded. His brows were crinkled, he could feel them but he couldn’t smooth them out. He was nervous.

Bones gave him a warning look, something he could decipher from years of friendship and only slightly malicious teasing, before asking him, “Do you know how to trigger an attack?”

Kirk very purposely didn’t look at Spock. Thanks to that split second of warning, he was able to keep his grim look in a more neutral direction. He did think about it. He had never triggered it on purpose. He often tried really hard _not_ to trigger a coughing fit. But... he did remember one way.

He shifted his shoulders, licked his dry lips apprehensively. “The only thing I can remember off the top of my head was that last time in sickbay.” Bones scrunched his brows together. Kirk continued. “Last year when I was still coughing up the worst of them. I had woken up and Spock, you were meditating. I was still anxious then, and I tried to copy your breathing. The deep, deliberate breaths forced an attack.”

Bones looked over at Spock, Spock gave him a look back and nodded once. He turned his attention to Captain Kirk and pulled a chair closer over to the side of the bed. If he did such a thing, Kirk would have thought Spock let out an exasperated breath before he said, quiet and serious, “Follow my breathing.” Spock held his hands together in the traditional position even though he didn’t need to actually meditate, just approximate. He started on the even, deep breaths. The centering in and out. 

If Kirk didn’t need to make himself cough, he would have been content just to watch Spock meditate. He followed on the breathing, attempting to match it by the third breath out, but he didn’t close his eyes. He found it all too easy to keep his attention on Spock, looking mostly calm except for the slight line in his forehead next to his left brow. He was annoyed. Kirk let slip a smile on an inhale, his breath tripping and his chest seizing. The coughing fit started suddenly and immediately hurt his throat. The flowers he had been growing, thrown loose in his lungs.

Bones kicked the trash can in the room under Kirk, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. Spock opened his eyes, continuing his meditative breathing as he watched Kirk cough, the line in between his brows deepening.

Kirk coughed and gagged and spit up several full, but gratefully small flowers. After a particularly bad retch, he put his hand as far in his mouth as he could and gagged around his fingers as he pulled out a small stem with leaves and a bloom on the end.

He looked up, panicked, at Bones. He heard, rather than saw, Spock stand up immediately.

“We need to make sure you’re almost done first.” Bones told him gravely. The worry under his eyes hitting him harder and making him look a few years older than he was.

Kirk closed his eyes and coughed some more, he gagged a few mores times, gripping the edge of the biobed for dear life. He did not look at Spock. He made every attempt possible to ignore Spock’s insistence that Bones administer the hypospray. He did not focus on how _emotional_ his first officer sounded.

Kirk pulled out another, smaller stem, and coughed out five more blooms before it was just petals again. When the petals started, Bones hit him with the shot, shoving Kirk flat on the bed and snapping the X-ray into place above him. Kirk threw his head to the side, coughing out a few more petals. And when the coughing finally stopped, he took in a frantic bunch of deep breaths and spit out the stray petals still on his tongue.

He tried to stay still for the X-ray as he blinked the tears out of his eyes and tried to refocus on the room.

He swallowed heavily and looked around in a semi-panic before he realized it was just him and Bones in the room. Kirk tried to sit up, craning his neck to look for Spock. Bones, tricorder in hand, pushed his shoulder gently back down.

“Stay still, Jim.”

“Spock-” He gasped out.

“Had to step out.” Bones answered in a clipped tone, reading the scans and comparing his tricorder reports to the biobed scans.

Once the x-ray was done, he unsnapped it and let Kirk sit up again. “How do you feel?”

“Fine now.” Kirk answered, rubbing lightly at his throat. “That first stem scared the shit out of me, Bones.”

Bones nodded understandingly. “The good news is, after the Varalinth I think nothing will stand up. The stem for these, at least, was skinnier, and only half an inch long.”

“Yeah…” Kirk hesitated. “It wasn’t the span of it that scared me.” Bones gave him a questioning look. “I think it just gets worse the more I…” He bit his lip, slanted his eyes to look down at the bed where his hands gripped the edge again. “The more I love him.” He finished quietly.

Bones looked away, a little uncomfortable by Jim’s bare honesty. He nodded. “Yeah, kid. That’s why I made Spock step out. The more he worried, it seemed the worse you got.”

Kirk shook his head, understanding but not wanting to. “The blooms-” 

“Stopped once he was out of the room.”

“Where is he?” Kirk cleared his throat. It felt like he swallowed a rock. Or, you know, coughed up the better part of a garden.

“Should be around if not directly outside of the room. You want him back in here to go over the x-ray?”

Kirk shrugged. “Why not? I’ve had the shot so I should be fine now.”

Bones gave him a once over before assenting and turning to the door. He opened it. Looked around briefly. “You see Commander Spock, tell him we’re about to go over the x-rays.” A quiet ‘yes, Doctor’ and Bones closed the door again.

“Five bucks he’s here in as many minutes.” Bones muttered.

Kirk laughed as much as his sore throat would let him. “Yeah? Five bucks says he’s in his room actually medi-” There was a knock on the door before it opened, revealing Spock.

Kirk cursed lightly under his breath and Bones let out a laugh.

“Alright, now that you’re here, Spock.” He flipped the screens again so they could see and pointed to various areas. “I had to take a series of pictures to capture it, but it looks like once you’ve passed all the flowers currently in your system, the allergy shot doesn’t stop the next bloom. It just slows it down. The good news of this, is that when you’re hit with the drowsy shot, you don’t have to worry about sleeping through an attack and asphyxiating. You were pretty drugged up last year when you sat up and vomited in the middle of the night. So.” He shut the screen off and kicked the trash can away from the bed so Kirk would have an open floor to land on when he jumped off. “Feel free to stab his ass when he waits too long to administer the shots himself. It has two advantages, slowing the growth and making him get sleep.”

Spock held himself at attention, hands clasped behind his back, nodding curtly at Bones.

Bones looked from Spock to Kirk and held his hands open. “Since we’re all here, does anyone have any more questions or concerns?”

“Negative, Doctor.” Spock answered, tone brusque but not rude.

“Uh…” Kirk had to force himself to look away from Spock, to stop trying to analyze his attitude. “No, Bones. This whole stunt answered the question Tasi raised.” Out of the corner of his vision, he swore he saw Spock raise an eyebrow but when he turned, Spock was as stoic as ever.

Bones nodded. “Alright, in that case, Spock you can go.”

Spock nodded once and left, not sparing a look at Kirk as he went.

As soon as the door was closed, Kirk turned back to Bones, eyes wide. “Did you do something to him when you made him leave earlier?? Why was he acting like that?”

“I don’t pretend to understand that man, Jim.” Bones rolled his eyes. “I didn’t even lay a hand on him. We need to talk about how much of this you want to make public.”

Kirk shrugged wildly, practically throwing his arms. “All of it, I don’t care. It’s important information.”

“Even the bit about it being affected by how much you love him?”

Kirk flinched a bit, hearing it said out loud so casually. “Maybe… maybe not that part.” He kicked his feet a few times before jumping off the bed. “Just, for now, just put the information about difficult plants scarring your insides, and about allergy shots slowing but not stopping new growth.”

Bones nodded, making the necessary notes. “I’ll write it up and send it to you for approval before I submit it to the board.”

“Thanks Bones.” Kirk sighed, tired, clapping him on the shoulder as he started to leave the room. 

“Jim.”

He held up a hand, not turning around to look at him. “I really don’t wanna hear it if it’s what I think it is, Len.”

He heard Bones huff out an annoyed breath but when nothing else came forward, he nodded once to himself and left the room.

Captain James T. Kirk did not go to his quarters. He went to Spock’s door and knocked lightly. When there was no answer, he knocked a little louder, though he knew that was a useless effort because if Spock was in his room he would have heard the first knock.

“Computer?” An affirming chirp. “Where is Commander Spock?”

Oddly enough, Spock was in the gym. Kirk took a second to be puzzled. He would have bet real money that Spock would have gone to his room and meditated.

Kirk went to his room and changed into workout clothes before he headed down to the gym himself, maybe he could come up with a plausible reason to be there that didn’t involve his first officer.

When he entered the gym the first thing he saw was Sulu hitting the floor with a loud huff as his spirit tried to forcibly leave his body. He pushed himself shakily to his hands and knees, turning to accept Spock’s wrapped and extended hand. He was helped back to his feet and he took a moment to readjust his own hand wraps before assuming the same fighting stance as Spock. They nodded at each other and then started again.

Kirk forced himself to look away and wandered over to the weights. He was _not_ about to get caught gawking at his First Officer in the gym. Especially not after whatever had happened in medbay. Bones had told him when the season first started that he wasn’t cleared for working out, so he didn’t even think about looking at the treadmills, but he needed to keep his strength up so he would be ready to gesture with that chainsaw once they reached the planet. He kept the weight heavy enough to feel the resistance in his muscles but light enough to keep the strain out of his lungs.

He stuck with dumbbells for the better part of twenty minutes, then he got bored. Not wanting to turn his attention back to Spock and Sulu sparring, he stayed with the weights and occupied himself with the weight bench. Once again, keeping it lighter than he normally would, for Bones’ sake. He took a few deep breaths as he counted out reps and when nothing happened, no pain in his lungs or tickling in his throat, he judged for himself that it was okay for him to be a little impetuous since he had that allergy shot so recently. He got up and added more weight to the bar.

Four reps in, the strain started to hit him and he had a brief panic about his shaking arms before hands came into view and lifted the bar, setting it back on the handles above him. He let out a breath and tipped back to see Spock, looking annoyed in only the way he could.

“Captain.” He said, clipped, world-weary. “Dr. McCoy did not approve you for strenuous activity.”

“Come on, Mister Spock.” Kirk shook his head. “You know I need to stay on top of things for that apology.”

“I _know_ you need to be alive in order to be ‘on top of things’ and forcing yourself to do strenuous activity prematurely is unwise behavior.”

“Tell me how you really feel, Commander.” Kirk joked humorlessly as he sat up, taking his gloves off. He wiped the sweat from his forehead with his shirt and looked up in time to see Spock masking the clear annoyance on his face.

“I believe I just did, _Captain_.”

Kirk narrowed his eyes slightly. There was a definite tone in Spock’s voice. “Do we need to speak in private, Spock?”

Kirk saw the pulse in Spock’s jaw, like he was clenching his teeth. He nodded stiffly. “Perhaps it is best we do.”

They agreed to meet in Kirk’s quarters after getting cleaned up. Spock opting to shower in the gym and Kirk going ahead to the bathroom in his own quarters.

He left both the bathroom door and his own quarter’s door unlocked, not knowing what way Spock would take when he was changed. Kirk had opted to use water in his shower instead of the sonic. Something about the running water always used to help him calm down. He was still drying his hair with a towel when his door chirped. “Come in.”

The door slid open and Spock stepped in quickly, hands behind his back, at attention again despite still being casually clad in a different clean pair of gym clothes.

Kirk himself was in casual clothes so it wasn’t uncalled for.

“Have a seat, Spock.” He said, gesturing with his free hand to one of the chairs.

“I prefer to stand, Captain.”

Kirk sighed but sank to the edge of his bed, nodding and gesturing a ‘do as you will’ motion at Spock. “At least relax a bit. And drop the formalities, we should be frank.”

The tension in Spock’s shoulders dropped only a fraction, but it was something.

Kirk left the towel around his neck when he was done drying his hair. If Spock wasn’t going to speak first, he would. “What was that about in the gym?”

Spock turned his attention to somewhere next to Kirk’s head, close enough that he could pretend he was looking at Kirk without actually having to. “As your first officer-”

“Spock.”

“And secondary healthcare agent-”

“ _Spock_.”

“It is my duty to ensure you follow through with the orders of your chief medical officer.”

Kirk stood, rolling his eyes with as much exasperated force as he could without straining himself in the process. “Spock, I’m sick of-” He stopped himself, taking in a harsh breath as he thought about what he should say and what he definitely shouldn’t say. “I’m sick of you acting like we aren’t friends.” _Shit_. That definitely hadn't been one of the things he wanted to say.

“Captain, I-”

He went with it, gesturing accusatively. “There! Like that! You use my title like a shield. Like it’s a defense mechanism. Every time I think we make some sort of progress forward, you push me away and treat me like a job. Or worse! Like you’re my babysitter!” He took a few steps towards Spock and forced him to look him in the eyes. “I didn’t name you my secondary healthcare agent so that you could hold it over me and baby me.” He slowly started to come back down from his hysteric high. “I did it because we’re always together, because you know me as much as Bones does, and because I trust you with my life. Because we’re friends.” He finished quietly, taking a single step back. He let out a soft huff of air, almost a laugh but not. “I thought, Jesus, I thought we had gone over this back when…” _Back when I died_ , he does not finish.

Spock blinked at him once, looking away, almost hurt. “Earlier in sickbay,” He started, and Kirk had to reorient himself mentally at the sudden change in topic. “Dr. McCoy had me leave the room because I was emotionally compromised. When he refused to administer the allergy shot after you pulled out that first stem…” He paused, brows furrowed slightly. “I tried to maintain my composure, but I could not, and I believe my outburst only served to agitate your attack further.” He took a deep breath and looked back at Kirk, holding his eye contact. “The closer I am to you, the less control I have when you are in danger.”

“So it _is_ a defense mechanism.” Kirk blurted out.

Spock nodded. “My role as your first officer is directly parallel to my role as your friend, but because of that there will sometimes be instances where I need to distance myself to assess matters clearly.”

“To think through things completely before reacting.”

Spock gave him a questioning look. “Yes.” It was almost exactly what he had been thinking. It was instances like this that scared him. They knew each other too well. They were too close sometimes for his own comfort.

Kirk looked suddenly very tired, rubbing a hand over his face as he backed up to the bed again, sitting down on the edge heavily. “I get it, Spock. I understand.”

“I apologize if my actions came across as rude. I did not intend-”

Kirk held up a hand. “It’s okay, Spock. Really.” He cleared his throat. “It’s honestly my own fault for being so childish about the whole thing.” He shrugged and gestured to himself. “I know I’m a lot to deal with. I just hate, hate, feeling so weak and helpless.” He clenched his fists briefly, letting them loosen when Spock takes a step forward, hands at his sides.

“Many things you are, Captain, weak and helpless are not among them.”

Kirk smiled, let out a slight laugh that felt like a cough. “Why did that sound like a compliment _and_ an insult?”

Spock inclined his head innocently, but didn't contradict him.

Kirk shook his head, still smiling. “Listen, Spock, I’m glad we-” He felt a tightness in his chest, his breath coming short. _Oh God not now_ , he thought.

With only that as his warning, Kirk started gagging, not even having enough air to cough. Spock is moving immediately, looking for a trash can that isn't there, not knowing Kirk had moved it to the other side of the bed that morning. He spends too much time going to the bathroom to get _that_ can and stabs Kirk with the allergy shot when he comes back. Kirk grabs his wrist like a lifeline. 

Kirk chokes on the stem of the plant. There is a singular bloom laying on the floor but Spock hasn't heard Kirk cough since he went into the bathroom. Spock sees the panic in Kirk's eyes as he tries to gag up the stem in his throat. He can't gather enough air to cough it up or reach in enough to grab it. At how far down it still is, his fingers aren’t long enough. That or he is unable to suppress his own panic long enough to do it.

Spock could do it.

He wheezes and gags and locks tear-wet eyes with Spock’s panicked ones, squeezing his wrist. His chest is seizing at the loss of air and every time Kirk closes his eyes he feels as though he won't be able to get them back open. Every move hurts and he squeezes Spock's wrist as tight as he can.

Spock has a grim look on his face. He understands. 

He grabs Kirk's face, using the hand on the arm that Kirk is still wrapped around and tips his head back, reaching in to grab the plant with his free hand. He grabs the edge of the bloom and pulls softly. Kirk gags violently and startles Spock into letting go. 

Another wheeze and gasp of air and violent gag. With renewed determination Spock sits on the bed’s edge close to him, presses Kirk’s head gently against the wall, and reaches back in, grabbing now under the bloom on the stem. He pulls, gentle but insistent and when the stem is fully out, Kirk lunges forward, vomiting water and bile on the floor. Missing the trash can, but all he has in him is liquids and stray petals. 

He takes in a few deep, shuddery breaths, hunched over, before he passes out. Spock catches his body with one arm across his chest like a seat-belt and pushes him gently backwards on the bed. As soon as he's not in any immediate danger of falling off the bed, and Spock is sure he can hear Kirk breathing, he turns his attention to the stem in his hand. It's 3 inches long and has 4 blooms arching off it. 

He decides he would sooner never see a Muktok again.

He flicks it into the trash can when he stands up and walks to the door, pressing a button on the wall panel, calling for a cleaning unit. He looks at the water stain and petals on the thin carpet. His eyes flick over to Kirk, half on the bed, passed out but breathing regularly. “Lights to forty percent.” Spock says quietly. The room dims marginally.

As soon as the floor is clean, Spock sets the room up for Kirk like he had last time, positions the trash can and a cup of water and an extra hypospray.

He decides he can’t leave Kirk hanging off the bed so he lifts Kirk carefully and turns him so that he’s fully on the bed. He turns Kirk’s head to the side, remembering something Uhura had told him about drunk humans choking on their own vomit in their sleep sometimes if they slept fully on their back.

He hesitates, hand still on Kirk’s chin, as he hears Kirk wheeze. It’s steady, but he’s never wheezed outside of an attack. It usually meant he was having difficulty breathing.

Spock frowned. He backed up and grabbed his comm. “Doctor McCoy.”

It took 45.32 seconds for McCoy to respond. “What is it, Spock?”

“The Captain just had an attack. I had to remove an 8.031 centimeter long stem from his throat with four blooms on it. I had to use my emergency hypospray on him. He is asleep currently, but his breath is wheezing.”

“Shit.” During the whole report Spock could hear Bones frantically moving things in the background. “I’m on my way Spock, stay with him.”

“Of course, Doctor.” He replied, taking a seat at the small table where they usually play chess. He knew logically that there was nothing for him to do right now. He would have to wait for McCoy to show up and assess the situation. So he took the time to meditate. Or at least, try. The skin on his wrist still tingled. An aftershock of such heavy skin contact, no doubt. Easily explained away. But that doesn’t explain why he heard Kirk so clearly. Kirk, who couldn’t breath, let alone talk. Spock heard him in that instant loud and clear. _“You can fix this.”_ and when the grip on his wrist tightened, _“Get it out.”_

Spock tried to regulate his breathing but he couldn’t make himself ignore Kirk’s wheezes. He felt a brief surge of anger before it was smothered like a flame with sand. Logically, he knew Kirk’s allergies had nothing to do with Khan, but every time he gets near death Spock feels the anger flowing through his arms and down into his fists like it had back then. Destructive and furious. 

If he let it, he could wear that anger like a jacket. Spread it out across his shoulders and smooth it down his arms, flowing down his back. He could let it warm him. But he knew better. Spock knew letting anger take root, giving it a place to live and breathe, that warmth would quickly turn into a blazing burning thing that he wouldn’t be able to control.

He startled when the door slid open. He stood but McCoy made a ‘stay there’ motion at him, dropping a small case on the floor and pulling out his tricorder to immediately start his scans.

“Where's the stem?”

“In the trash receptacle.”

McCoy looked over at it while he lets the scanner catch up and winces. He hissed out a sympathetic pained noise, “Jesus, kid.” He mutters under his breath.

As soon as the scan finished he read a few of the findings before he resorted to earth customs and felt Kirk’s neck with his fingers, pressed one of his small machines to Kirk’s chest to read his heartbeat, and used his tricorder to make sure he was getting enough air.

“Good news is he’s breathing.” He tells Spock, going back to the tricorder results. “Bad news is everything else. There’s blood on the blooms. The hope is that the stem scratched his throat on the way up. Worst case scenario would be that the roots themselves caused damage to his lungs. Working off the best case, he’s going to need a regen session, which he’ll love. But if it is worst case, he’s going to need a much more intensive regen session and we won’t be able to do it unless he was completely clear of plant matter so… I’ll spare you the details but it would involve surgery.”

“Why is he breathing like that?” Spock asked quietly.

McCoy turned to look at him, resetting the tricorder to give his hands something to do. “His throat is a little swollen. It’ll pass after I heal any internal injuries, but I sent a message to Chapel to bring a gurney so I could move him to sickbay. I’d rather have him monitored after an attack as strong as this.”

Spock nodded. McCoy went through the small case he brought with him and took out two allergy shots, handing them to Spock. “These are the same. I just thought it seems like you need more than I originally thought you would.”

Spock accepts them and places them down on the table. He thinks over what he’s about to ask carefully.

“The person he is in love with,” He started, slow enough for Bones to frown and occupy himself with taking Kirk’s towel away to hang up and moving things out of the way for the gurney. “The person is on the Enterprise, are they not?”

“What are you getting at, Spock?”

“Does this person know how much pain the Captain is in?”

Bones turned, almost angrily. “Would it matter if they did?”

“I do not understand what you mean by that, please explain, Doctor.”

He sighed. He was going to kill Kirk if he was still alive in the morning. “You kept digging into this behind Jim’s back so I assume you know the whole deal already?”

Spock didn’t try to mask otherwise, he just nodded.

“The cause is unrequited love. The effect is coughing up flowers. Jim couldn’t control who he fell in love with and that person couldn’t control who _they_ fell in love with. It’s… innate. It’s just… it’s how people _feel_ , Spock. Not that I expect you to understand that, but it’s just how people work. If he loves them, that’s not his fault. And if they don’t love him back, that’s not their fault either.” He made a wild move like an angry shrug and went back to fidgeting with Kirk’s things. When he finished arranging the things he could, he turned back to Spock. “What did he tell you the flowers meant?”

“He said he theorized that it was ‘situational’. The Kal’ta for when Vulcan was destroyed. The Shaedrum for Parselinia III. He did not give me a reason for the sunflowers but they were quickly replaced by the Muktok, which he would have undoubtedly blamed on the presence of the Betazoids.”

McCoy nodded, he heard a distinct lack of any mention of Varalinth. “Good. Stick to that line of thought unless you plan on telling him you’ve been doing research behind his back.”

The door chirped and McCoy let Chapel in with the hover gurney, getting Spock to help him lift Kirk onto it.

Before he was fully out of the room with Chapel and Kirk, McCoy stopped to speak once more with Spock. “I say this with the best intentions, Spock. Get some actual sleep. You look like deep fried hell.”

Spock was too tired to raise an eyebrow at him, which only made McCoy worry more. He nodded once, softly. “Thank you, Doctor.”


	7. The Way You Think About Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. It's here!

The next day when Kirk wakes up, he’s in sickbay and he doesn’t have enough time to turn his head before he coughs up flowers into his lap. Two Dwarf sunflowers.

The relief that circulates through his body feels like a drug he’s getting high on. 

Or it could have just been the drugs he was getting high on.

Before he could finish coughing, Bones was up and pressing a button on the side of the bed and Kirk would have asked McCoy to marry him then and there if it meant always getting to feel this cold, soothing, numbness coursing through his veins. He held out the sunflowers like they were a gift and Bones gave him a grim smile in response to his dopey drugged one.

When the drugs in his system made their full circle, his arms and head dropped back down and Kirk was out like a light with a faulty wire. He heard himself wheezing a bit in the distance, and he heard two pairs of shoes walking around his room, and then he is out for real.

When Kirk woke up again, he was still in sickbay but he’s in a much less decked out bed. He seemed to be back in his usual allergy season medbay room.

His mouth felt tacky. He could barely swallow, his throat was so dry.

He tried to clear his throat and it made a creaking sound.

“Shit.” He heard Bones mutter. Bones jumped up from the chair he was dozing in and brought Kirk a very tiny cup with water in it. “Drink very slowly.”

He does. He almost choked. Bones frowned at him and took the tiny cup away.

“Bones!” He croaked, reaching out weakly. “I didn’t even take two sips!”

“You’re going to drown yourself.” Bones snapped at him.

“I won’t, I swear. One more sip.” Kirk whined. He must have been in a bit of a problematic situation because Bones actually gives in and brings the cup back for him.

“One sip.” Bones told him.

Kirk was able to contain himself well enough to turn one sip into the entire contents of the tiny cup and he swallowed slowly so he didn’t choke himself, all while Bones watched him exasperatedly.

“What happened? How long have I been out?” He asked once his throat didn't feel like a new pack of sandpaper.

“Little under a day, really.” Bones answered, letting out an old man noise as he sat back down in the chair he’d propped up in Kirk’s room. “The drugs are because we had to make sure you wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the regeneration cycle.”

“Regen?? Bones, what happened?” Kirk tried to sit up frantically, struggling until he remembered there was a button on the side of the bed to help with that very motion.

“The last Muktok matter you coughed up got stuck in your throat. It was three inches long and Spock had to _pull_ it out of your throat before you stopped breathing completely.” Bones was always somehow able to convey an even amount of frustration and concern when it came to Kirk.

Kirk thumped his head back down on the raised bed. “I’m so sick of this.” He muttered. He rolled his head around to look at Bones without lifting his head again, “Hey was I dreaming earlier or did I cough up sunflowers again?”

Bones raised his eyebrows with a nod. “That you did. Guess someone hated seeing a plant they liked almost kill you.”

Kirk rolled his eyes. “You think it’s that easy?”

Bones shrugged. “We’re flying with a hand drawn map, Jim. Who’s to say it’s _not_ that easy?” He took a deep breath and thought about how to say his next few sentences so that Kirk didn’t shut him out completely. “It’s only been a week. You’ve had a three inch long stem pulled out of your throat and before that you already had two different stems that also had to be pulled out. There’s three more weeks of this, Jim. You need to start thinking about your other option.”

Kirk was already shaking his head.

“Jim.”

“No, Bones!” Kirk said, adamant. He sat up straighter and focused fully on Bones. “There _is no_ other option! I’m his captain, Bones. I’m his superior officer and we’re going to be working together for three more _years_ at minimum. I’m not going to do that to him. I’m not going to tell him I’m in love with him and _make_ him tell me he doesn’t love me back and then make him work next to me after all that. If this is what the trade off is, if I have to cough up some plant shit for a month to avoid all that? That’s fine, Bones. I can live with it.”

Bones shook his head. “He knows, Jim.”

Kirk felt his heart drop. He felt instantly queasy. “Knows what?”

“He knows the cause of the flowers is from unrequited love.”

“Did you-”

“No. The little shit looked it up himself after you refused to answer him that first time. Point is, he asked me. Point blank, he asked me if the person you were in love with knew how much pain you were in.” Bones turned his head a bit. “Looked mighty angry too for someone who claims not to feel emotion.”

Kirk felt lightheaded. “What did you tell him?”

“I told him it wouldn’t matter. That you couldn’t help falling in love with them and whoever they were, they couldn’t help who they fell in love with either.”

Kirk nodded. “Yeah.” That was true. That was safe. That would also hopefully mean Spock would stop getting mad at, essentially, himself.

Kirk smiled, laughing lightly despite the anxiety and nausea still in his chest.

Bones huffed with a small smile. “You thinking about Spock fist fighting himself?”

Kirk nearly doubled over in laughter. “Yes! Exactly!”

“I’ve been chuckling about it all day. I think Chapel’s a little worried about me.” Bones joked, seeming a little more relaxed than he had in the past week.

Once the laughter subsided Kirk asked, “What am I supposed to tell him about the plants if he asks?”

Bones shrugged. “You could tell him the truth.” He said, knowing Kirk wouldn’t. “Or you could stick to your original theory of the plants being situational and tell him the Betazoids kicked off the Muktok plants.”

Kirk nodded, wagging a finger his way. “I like that idea better. If he’s going to go behind my back to look up information he doesn’t need, I shouldn't feel any remorse at continuing to lie to him.” He saw Bones roll his eyes but was grateful that he didn’t say anything further about it.

After his shift on deck, Spock found himself meditating in his cabin. He was keeping himself from visiting sickbay, under explicit orders that Kirk needed rest and he wouldn’t get it with Spock coming by as a reminder that he isn’t on deck. “Do not come by and irritate my patient, Spock.” Doctor McCoy had told him. 

Spock was also currently on a ‘soft ban’ from engineering as Scott had decided that Spock’s sudden focus on rewiring sections of the compartment were ‘unnecessary and frankly, dangerous’. He was instructed to return when he ‘calmed the obsessive urge’ he had cultivated to keep his mind occupied and not on Kirk’s condition in sickbay.

He took in a breath and focused on his mental sand strewn valley. Attempting to feel the heat on his skin, which would usually be achievable during meditation when he wasn’t so distracted.

He saw Doctor McCoy fix the inner wounds on Kirk’s throat. He heard Kirk breathing normally, no longer wheezing. Yet… There was still a nagging thought in his head. Something he had tried not to think about. Something his wakeful mind did not want to analyze. When he finally allowed himself to focus on it, he realized why it bothered him so much.

It was McCoy himself, or rather, his voice echoing the sentiment, “If they don’t love him back, that’s not their fault.” Did McCoy know who Kirk was in love with?

Was it McCoy himself?

There was a flash of anger in his chest and he closed his eyes to imagine the sandstorm.

McCoy had seemed angry that Spock inquired as to whether the object of Kirk’s affections knew how much pain he was in. “Would it matter if they did?”

It should. Should it not?

If it was in McCoy’s power to stop the captain from being in pain, wouldn’t he want to do it?

“It’s innate. It’s how people feel.”

Spock took a deep breath. The sandstorm slowed, fractionally. In his mind, he held out his hands and allowed the sand to scrape his palms softly, imagining each grain of sand that touched his skin.

That, he could not argue with. He could not logically demand that Kirk fall in love with someone who loved him back just as he could not demand that, whoever it may be, that Kirk loves love him back.

_“Kaiidth.”_ He whispered on an exhale.

All he could do was continue to be his first officer. To watch over him and ensure he could do his job to the full. He could stay nearby and offer a helping hand where it was needed. He could continue to be Kirk’s friend.

In his mind, the sandstorm stopped suddenly, the grains of sand falling to the ground. He walked into the valleys of his mind and imagined the heat enveloping him like a comforting embrace.

If Kirk did not feel for Spock the same way he did for his Captain, there was nothing he could do to change it.

When Kirk was allowed to leave sickbay a day later, Spock still hadn’t come to visit him. Bones assured him that it was because he had banned Spock from doing so. Kirk laughed and lied that he wasn’t worrying about it. Bones had given him a look that said _‘in a pig's eye’_ but thankfully he didn’t say it out loud, it was Kirk's least favorite 'Bones-ism'. Kirk flashed him a smile that was half apology and half thanks, telling Bones he would see him later for dinner in the mess.

He spent the day he still had off duty getting back in touch with his crew, explaining about his allergies and how they flared up again and it was probably from something the Betazoids had brought on board with them accidentally.

Kirk was in the middle of playing a card game with Uhura, Scotty, and Chekov when Spock finally got off shift. He was caught off guard, even though he shouldn’t have been. The changing of shifts had been why Sulu had quit during the last hand, Kirk should have known better.

He smiled over at Spock, trying to mask the surprise and guilt he felt for that brief spike of a second. Why would he feel guilty? He hadn’t even done anything yet.

Spock nodded in response but didn’t approach the table, he was there to eat after all, so he continued to get his lunch.

“Captain, turn’s yours.” Scotty prompted, drawing his attention back to the game.

“Right.” Kirk said loudly, clearing his throat and refocusing on the game at hand.

“Good thing we aren’t playing speed.” Uhura muttered.

Kirk laughed. “Excuse me for trying to pay attention to my crew.” He told her sarcastically.

“You’re excused, Captain.” She told him with her own smile. A smile that he knew hid something she would hold over his head later. She pursed her lips slightly at his squint and shook her head minutely. He wouldn’t want her to say it in front of Scotty and Chekov of all people, the two biggest gossips on the Enterprise. 

As it stood, she seemed to be the only person at the table that realized seven other crew-mates had entered the mess during the game and Kirk only acknowledged Spock. Even Kirk hadn’t noticed.

“Make a move or pass!” She urged him with a much more playful and less sinister smile.

Kirk threw down a card and it was immediately overtaken by Scotty, followed quickly by a claim from Chekov.

“Aye?!” Scotty shouted. “You cheated! You must've seen my hand!”

“You cannot accuse me every time you are too slow!” Chekov shouted back.

What could have been called a fight broke out between Scotty and Chekov, nothing so bad that Kirk had to intervene but bad enough that when Spock approached to eat his meal, they both stopped fighting with a blush and shrug of their shoulders like two children that had just been throat-cleared at by their mom. Kirk played another two rounds with them while Spock ate silently beside them and then he laid his hand down.

“Deal me out.” He announced before turning to Spock. “What’s on the roster today, Mister Spock?”

Spock looked up from the remainders of his salad and locked eyes momentarily with Kirk, raising a brow before turning his attention to the game at hand. “You have nothing on the roster today, Captain. Doctor McCoy instructed me to ensure you get adequate rest.”

Kirk was already shaking his head before he even finished. “Not good enough. I need to do something. Something physical, I _have_ to be ready for that apology presentation.”

Spock’s jaw tightened but he nodded once. “I will endeavor to find something suitable.” He sent off a message to McCoy and once he was done with his food he stood and turned to Kirk. “Would you care to accompany me to the botany lab? I can show you how my Varalinth has been growing.”

The name set off a brief spark of panic in Kirk’s chest but he smiled and nodded. “Sure thing, Commander.”

The walk from the mess to the lab wasn’t too long but Spock made frequent stops and asides to other departments to check on things as they went. Since they were stopped anyway, it also gave Kirk an opportunity to mingle with other crew members. He got to see a few new experiments done by other ensigns, some promising star charts that had never been fully finished were finally being worked on, and some of the crewmen from engineering were working on trying to add some new foods to the replicator. It took the better part of an hour and a half to get to the botany lab space.

“Which one is it?” Kirk asked, surveying all the plots set out against the far wall.

“Plot 489. It occupies a 7x7 square planter.”

“7x7!” Kirk could feel his heart thumping rapidly. As they approached plot 489 he couldn’t help the slight hysterical laugh that escaped his throat. That thing had grown inside of him. Yes, it was only a two inch stem at the time, but the entire 7x7 plot was full of it. He couldn’t help but think about what that kind of full sized plant would have done to his insides.

Spock explained that every time they were close enough to a federation outpost or passed any Vulcan ships or ships that even housed Vulcan crew-mates, the crew would offer cuttings of the Varalinth to take with them. As he said before, one less species to go extinct.

“A noble cause, Mister Spock.” Kirk said, clapping Spock lightly on the shoulder. “What are these?”

Spock ended up taking Kirk on a tour of some of the plots and plants in the botany lab, they hadn’t reached all of them before Kirk could feel another tickle in his throat. He checked the time, it had been four hours since they started poking around the lab, his afternoon allergy shot had worn off. 

“Do you mind if we finish this later, Mister Spock?” He asked, throwing a bright smile Spock’s way. “I didn’t think I would be away from my cabin this long and I didn’t bring an allergy shot with me.”

“Of course, Captain. I will accompany you to your quarters.”

Kirk didn’t fight him.

“So what did Bones say about exercise? Did he ever get back to you on that?” He asked when they were in the turbolifts.

“Doctor McCoy informed me 5.21 hours ago what sort of exercise you were cleared for.”

“Five and a half hours? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Spock inclined his head. “I did not see the need. We achieved a lot in that regard today.”

“What did we achieve exactly, Commander?” Kirk asked, letting himself into his room. It was enough of an invitation that Spock followed him in.

“We achieved five hours of consistent movement, Captain. You were cleared for light walks, slow bike rides with no incline, and swimming granted that it immediately follows a hypospray injection.”

Kirk injects himself and hisses lightly. He knows he already has some petals he’ll need to hack out in a few minutes but he takes a moment to let what Spock said sink in.

“So you gave me that tour of botany as a walk? Pacing around a room with flowers in buckets was my exercise?”

“Indeed.”

He laughed. He felt betrayed a little bit, but he couldn’t say why. Maybe it was the low impact exercise Bones expected him to go for. Maybe it was because his first officer was better at subterfuge than he thought.

Wait. They legitimately wandered a hall full of flowers today. They went on the starship equivalent of a garden date.

Kirk barked out a laugh that he couldn’t hold back and when Spock raised an eyebrow at him, he didn’t have enough time to shut his mouth up before it said, “You took me on a garden date for four hours today.” He told his confused first officer, full out laughing now.

Whatever it was that Spock had meant to say, got lost in the sudden coughing fit that erupted from Kirk. He went to the bathroom, herded loosely by Spock who then went around to retrieve the cup he kept in his own room for water while Kirk vomited in the toilet.

It was only a handful of petals and two small sunflowers, all of which Kirk flushed away before Spock could come back in to see. As far as he knew, Jim was still coughing up Muktok plants and that’s what he preferred Spock to think.

Spock came back in with the cup, filling it with water from the sink and passing it to Kirk.

“Thank you.” He said quietly, following his usual routine of rinsing first and then refilling to drink.

“You were saying about garden dates,” Spock started, following Kirk back out into his cabin.

He laughed as he sat heavily on the edge of his bed and took another sip. “I was just kidding, Spock.”

“Please explain.”

“I didn’t mean we actually-”

“What,” Spock interrupted, “is a garden date?”

“Oh!” Vulcan was a mostly desert world. Of course Spock wouldn’t be familiar with the concept. “On earth, when people went on dates a popular place to do it was large outdoor gardens. Couples would wander the plants and take pictures of the ones they liked most and point out their favorites. It was usually a garden attached to museums or something. It was also sometimes like a touristy thing to do. There used to be a really good one in Missouri, something like 80 acres and they had a huge geodesic dome as a greenhouse, but I only ever went once.” He smiled up at Spock. "And it was for touristy reasons."

“I see,” was Spock’s only response.

“It’s not even time for dinner yet, Mister Spock, did you want to stick around for a game of chess? I don’t think I’m feeling up for a swim today.”

“Regrettably, I cannot, Captain. I must report to the science lab at 2000 hours. Perhaps we can swim tomorrow.”

Kirk waved him off. “Nah, you don’t have to join me for that.” A raised brow. “I know you hate swimming.”

“I do not carry any ill feelings towards swimming.”

Kirk thought for a second, was he making that up? Didn’t Spock say he didn’t care for swimming at some point?

“Okay, yeah sure! Tomorrow we’ll swim.” He almost bit his tongue, stopping himself from finishing with ‘it's a date’.

“Tomorrow.” Spock agreed with a nod, taking his leave.

As soon as he was gone, Kirk went back to the bathroom and vomited up three more sunflowers that he did not tell Bones about when they met for dinner.

Spock had projects he needed to focus on in the lab and yet he found himself working at 17.63% less efficiency than usual.

Kirk had called it a date.

“Commander?” An ensign called, interrupting his musings.

“Yes, ensign?” He asked, removing his goggles to give her his attention.

“Your um, your wire is fried.”

Spock looked down and realized the wires he had been soldering were indeed fried and the board itself was blackened. At least she had stopped him before he ruined the whole circuit.

“Thank you, ensign.” He told her. She nodded hesitantly and went back to her own project.

39% less efficient.

He would be swimming tomorrow.

It wasn’t that he hated swimming, though he thought it was incredible that Kirk even remembered the passing statement Spock had made years ago in the hallway at the Academy. _“Recreational water storage is seen as a wasteful luxury,”_ He hadn’t meant to imply that it was wasteful to him. He understood that not every planet was afforded the same amount of water. He also knew that earth had a remarkable water cycle and that the storage of recreational water was almost nothing. What he had been saying was to another faculty member. One who had a student from a water barren planet and whose student was complaining about the decorative water fountains and swimming pools in the gym. Spock was trying to calm the professor down, explain the student’s point of view.

Kirk had passed them in the hallway and Spock had thought, how fitting that the boy with the deep water eyes made an entrance at just that time.

Later, during meditation, Spock realized he only made the connection because he had been talking to one of the English Professors. He never would have made such a fanciful connection otherwise.

The fact stood, that it was amazing Kirk had remembered that one detail when he had barely passed by. He only made eye contact very briefly to nod a greeting to both professors and continued walking the whole time.

“Commander?” The same ensign from before called out to him.

“Yes, ensign Bradley?”

“The…” She gulped. “The heating element is still on.”

Spock looked down at the table where he had put his soldering iron down and saw the giant black spot it was creating, a thin line of smoke rising upwards.

He closed his eyes very briefly and turned the machine off. “Thank you, ensign.” He said through clenched teeth.

“No problem, Commander.” She squeaked out before hurrying off to her own station again.

45% less efficient.

Perhaps it would be wise to take himself off of a few of his own shifts.

The next morning Kirk was sitting on a biobed and letting McCoy poke and prod at him again.

“How long after your shot was it?”

“Couple minutes? Maybe not even.” Kirk was tired. He hadn’t slept that night. After Spock left to go do whatever he does in Science, Kirk tried to rest. He had a mostly quiet dinner with Bones and then went straight back to his own room. He laid down and tried to clear his mind and sleep. When that failed he tried to play chess by himself, he got about an hour out of that and then he was restless again. He even tried to pull up reports to go through but nothing could distract him from the feeling of the sunflower’s roots growing around his lungs. He could swear they were wrapping around his ribs, waiting to bloom through his heart.

“That’s not good.” McCoy muttered. “How many more did you cough up during the night?”

“Like four or five. It wasn’t a lot.”

“Jim. Four or five _is_ a lot when you’re normally just hacking up petals. You’ve moved on to a steady stream of full blooms and a near resistance to the allergy shots.” He moved Kirk’s collar out of the way and readied a hypo. “You read what I sent you last night about this new shot?”

Kirk nodded, holds his collar out of the way when it tries to settle back up on his neck where Bones needs to stab him. “Yeah, sounds scary, hit me.”

“Jim.” He gave Kirk a level stare. He needed an explicit assent that Kirk knows what he’s agreeing to. 

“Yes, Bones. I read the report. It sounded like a very medical way to say you’ve quadrupled the dose for special cases, of which, this is one.” He flashed his baby blues at Bones and honestly it never works so he’s not even sure why he does it anymore.

True to form, McCoy was unaffected. “Side effects could include lightheadedness, nausea, and a pounding or irregular heartbeat. If you experience a rash or swelling of anything, comm me immediately. Do not drink anything with caffeine in it. Do _not_ under any circumstances administer another allergy shot for at least eight hours.”

“Bones, you sound like an old commercial. Can we get on with it? I understand the risks! I know I’m a guinea pig! I almost always am! It’s cool!” He pulled down his collar further to iterate just how much he wanted Bones to get the show on the road. Bones sighed, and administered the spray, Kirk still hissing even though Bones was gentle.

“Alright lay back.” As soon as Kirk was flat enough, Bones snapped the x-ray in place and began his tests.

The following hour and a half was McCoy running tests and watching Kirk’s vitals. Thirty minutes after administering the shot, Kirk coughed up what few flowers and petals he had in his lungs and Bones watched through his x-rays as no new growth started back up. Kirk insisted he felt fine but annoyed the whole time. He groused about the fact that Bones wouldn’t allow him caffeine all day. He whined about the scanners Bones waved over him. At the end of the hour and a half, Bones took one final x-ray, marking the slow growth of the sunflowers as they finally started back up. They were much slower than he had ever seen them grow, which for now, meant that his test shot worked and Kirk was free to go.

“Light exercise only still.” Bones threatened him as he jumped off the bed. There was no follow up of ‘or else’ but Kirk could feel it in his soul.

He patted Bones on the shoulder and smiled with his perfect teeth, which also never worked with McCoy. “I promise, Bones. Thank you for being a diligent CMO.” He stopped smiling when Bones just scowled. “I owe you a bottle of Andorian wine!” He shouted as he bounced off down the hall. He had to get ready for when Spock was off shift.

“You had lunch yet, Mister Spock?” Kirk asked, dressed up in his command gold but wearing his swimming trunks underneath already. He had changed into his trunks earlier but found that he couldn’t keep himself in his own cabin just doing paperwork so he got dressed to harass Scotty in engineering. When that got old, he had wandered into the botany lab, bad mouthing the Varalinth plant in his head for about five minutes, and then wandering off to see what new was growing.

All in all, it had been a productive afternoon.

Spock, fresh from his shift on deck, assessed Kirk’s bright and chipper attitude, noting that there seemed to be a bit of mania to it.

“Negative, Captain. I declined to stop for lunch since we would be swimming soon.”

“Smart. Don’t wanna get caught up with cramps.” Kirk’s smile was turned up to a hundred and Spock found himself looking past him and into the hallways where the door to his own cabin was. He wasn’t concerned about cramps. That was an ‘old wives tale’ as his mother had explained it. 

“I will meet you back here in approximately four minutes, Captain.” Spock told him. An excuse to change and take a breath.

Kirk agreed but he seemed for a second like he was going to follow Spock into his room. He bounced on the heel of one foot and turned to his own room, saying something about changing into gym clothes and shook his head as he went.

As Spock changed, he wondered about his Captain’s well being. If he were to ask, he would get no answer that would assuage him, and that thought irritated him. Noted. Filed away for meditation. It wouldn’t be a new topic of meditation. Spock frequently, far more often than he would like, had to meditate about how his Captain irritated him. More than he ever had to do when he was first officer for Pike. It didn’t help that part of the irritation for Kirk was that he inexplicably felt the need to hide his medical information. From his first officer and from his friend.

Even though Spock knew that trying to separate one from the other was an exercise in frustration, he still persisted in seeing the distinction. After all, Kirk was the one who vehemently insisted until he died and even then after, about their friendship, and yet, he was still determined to hide this aspect of himself from Spock.

Spock commed McCoy.

“He’s what?”

“He appears to be… hyper.”

There was grumbling on the other end of the comm and then a distinct, “-complaint from Scotty.”

“Please repeat, Doctor.”

“Scotty called me earlier about Jim bothering him in engineering. I think it’s just a mild side effect of the allergy shot. We had theorized it would give him something like a mild stimulant, I guess it just went a little bit further and tipped him into energetic. Just keep an eye on him, some exercise will do him good right now. Get the excess off.”

“Will do, Doctor. Thank you.”

“No problem, Spock. Make sure he doesn’t drown.” The comm clicked off before Spock could reply and he quirked an eyebrow up before he shut his own comm off. Definitely not annoyed that McCoy did this to him 67.38% of the time in their private communications.

He finished getting dressed, in a pair of tight trunks and a fitted black work out shirt.

Kirk was already in the hallway and changed as well, a loose grey shirt and his dark blue swim trunks on, as he swayed purposefully back and forth on the balls of his heels, swinging his arms and humming quietly.

“Captain.” Spock said, getting his attention. “Shall we?” He gestured down the hall and Kirk smiled his bright sunshine smile and nodded.

Other than the fact that Kirk did not shut up the entire walk down to the pool, the walk went fine. There was no coughing, no clearing of his throat, no stray petals whatsoever. He told Spock about the reports he got through earlier and how much paperwork he had signed off on. He talked about all the stuff he did in engineering before Scotty caught him and made him leave. He mentioned how cool that new specimen in Botany was.

Spock honestly found it amusing now that he knew he didn’t have to worry about what was causing the mood in his Captain. He asked questions when Kirk paused to take a breath, he inclined his head to show he was listening when Kirk was in the middle of a particularly long part of the story.

It was nice. He almost forgot that he was still mad at Kirk. Noted. Ignored. He will hold this until there is an external resolve.

The swimming itself went without incident. Kirk was swimming so efficiently he didn’t waste his breath on trying to continue talking while he swam. He only stopped once to get out and turn on a radio link with some music.

“It’s weird just hearing water splashing and people breathing.” He told Spock, gesturing to the room.

Spock hadn’t asked him why he felt the need to turn on music. He knew humans, and Kirk specifically, often needed ‘background noise’ because immediate noise wasn’t enough. It was another human quirk that he never really understood, but he accepted it from his human crew-mates.

It had been about seven hours since Kirk had his initial meeting with Bones. The mania seemed to be finally wearing off.

Kirk found himself kicking lazily in the water behind him as he rested his head on his arms on the edge of the pool.

“Captain, are you feeling okay?” Spock asked. His voice came from the floor even though Kirk would’ve sworn he had still been swimming a second ago.

Kirk swiveled his head slowly to look at Spock, angling up to see him from where he stood a short distance away. He almost bit his own tongue to avoid saying the first thing that popped into his head. 

Spock had been swimming in the black shirt he almost always wore in the gym, but he was shirtless now and Kirk would rather drown than deal with it.

“I’m fine, Mister Spock. Why, what’s up?” He laid his head back down on his arms, angled now to still watch Spock as he raised an eyebrow in frustration.

“How are you feeling in regards to Dr. McCoy’s new allergy shot?”

“Fine.” He answered breezily.

Which was apparently the wrong answer because Spock crouched down in front of him, a definite downturn at the edges of his lips and a crease between his brows. “Captain.”

Spock’s verbal assault was put on hold as Kirk suddenly started coughing.

Of course. Of course that was when it would happen. He couldn’t help but be amazed at his own ridiculous luck that he started up a coughing fit while he was hanging precariously in a pool.

Of course he knocked himself off balance. Of course he inhaled a shitload of water as he tried to inhale for another cough. Of course Spock jumped in to pull him out. And for the cherry on top of this shitshow, of course he gagged so hard that not only did he vomit out a handful of pool water, but several petals and a small sunflower bloom.

He was already tearing up from the water inhalation but it ramped up after he started vomiting. Not so much so that he wasn’t aware he just puked up some damning evidence. He tried to say ‘excuse me’ and leave, but his lungs still didn’t work so he just got up and hobbled to the changing rooms where he locked the door and vomited into the toilet there.

Spock was worried, but more so, he was furious.

Like a teacher constantly calling a wayward student’s parent, he commed Bones from the panel on the wall.

“You have McCoy.”

“Doctor, the Captain seems to have relapsed already.”

“Shit, it wore off earlier than I thought it would. How is it going?”

“He choked on pool water and then vomited up dwarf sunflowers. He has currently locked himself in the pool changing rooms to continue doing so.”

Bones could hear the edge to Spock’s voice and he would have laughed if it weren’t about Kirk vomiting by himself in a gym bathroom.

“Use the override code if you have to, there’s nothing you can do really except make sure he doesn’t choke to death. You won’t be able to give him a shot for another hour. If this persists, bring him to sickbay. If it seems like you can handle it, it’s fine to just take him to his quarters. Keep me posted.”

“Understood, Doctor.”

Spock went back to the doors of the changing rooms, picking up Kirk’s sunflowers on the way, and listened in on the door. He could hear Kirk gagging, but he didn’t sound like he was having trouble breathing. He gave it a minute. Giving both Kirk and himself a moment to calm down.

Once he was sure he had his frustration under control, Spock knocked on the door. “Captain?”

“Give me a second, Spock.” Came a weak reply. It was a full sentence so Spock rewarded that with another two minutes. He dropped Kirk’s sunflowers into a trash receptacle and counted out the minutes.

He knocked again.

Kirk opened the door, looking significantly dimmer than he had earlier. His bright shine dulled to a slight spark. He gave Spock a tired, closed mouth smile.

“I guess I’m done with exercise for today, Mister Spock.” He informed his first officer. He made his way past Spock, which was infuriating, and headed for the towels they had set aside. He grabbed one for himself and passed the other to Spock. They both toweled off only enough to be able to walk back to their cabins, Spock more efficiently so that even his hair was dry, Kirk not as much so he still wore his towel around his neck.

Spock didn’t ask him about the flowers on the walk back. He didn’t ask in the turbolift. He didn’t even ask in the hallway.

When Kirk turned to say, whatever he was going to say, to Spock outside of his cabin door, he again started coughing. Immediately, he started gagging. He caught a flower in his hand as he punched in his room code and Spock all but herded him into the bathroom.

Kirk was on his knees as soon as he was close enough to grab the rim of the toilet. He inhaled a very shaky gulp of air before gagging hard and retching loud. He dislodged a whole plant in the process, the whole flower, head to root.

“Captain, I-”

“Get out, Spock.” Kirk slurred, turning back to gag again into the toilet. Maybe if they got a little bit of distance it wouldn't hurt as much. Maybe the roots would let go, loosen up just a bit.

Spock could feel all the anger from this week coalescing. He tried again, “Captain, I must insist-”

“Get _out_ , Commander. That’s an order!” Kirk was able to stave off just enough of his coughing fit to shout, but he followed up immediately by vomiting another bloom. Another bundle of roots.

Unable to deny a direct order, Spock did leave, but he left the way Kirk had pointed and when he shut the bathroom door behind himself, he found himself staring angrily into Kirk’s dark room and not his own.

Spock took a few, well needed, centering breaths and then turned back to the bathroom door. He needed to try again.

The door was locked.

“ _> Captain._” Spock all but growled at the door, knocking with the power of someone willing to break a door down.

“Save it, Spock.” Kirk shouted between coughs. The gagging was almost done, it was softer than it had been, at any rate.

Spock persisted. He knocked again and when Kirk refused to answer, he punched in the override code.

“Spock, for fucks sake!” Kirk shouted angrily. He was leaning against the toilet instead of hanging his head in it, so Spock assumed he was past the worst of the attack. 

“Captain, I must insist that you come with me to sickbay for Doctor McCoy to perform a full diagnostic on your lungs and airway.” He clenched his hands into fists at his side, wishing distantly that he had brought extra clothes with him to the pool so that he wasn’t standing here in trunks and a water-tight shirt.

Kirk rolled his eyes, waved one hand lazily. He seemed angry. “Save it. I’m fine.”

Spock knew why Kirk lied, he knew that the captain wanted the illusion of being okay even when he couldn't possibly hope to obtain it. It still frustrated him that Kirk always chose to do so when he was neck deep in painful situations. Sometimes Spock would let Kirk live his lie. Say he was fine to everyone and go about his business as usual, with Bones and Spock helping quietly in the background. This was not one of those times. Kirk almost suffocated a few days ago and he just now almost drowned. Spock wasn't about to let him get away with lying this time.

“You are _far_ from ‘fine’, Captain. Dr McCoy should-”

“Bones already knows what’s wrong with me, Spock! He can’t stop it, we literally just proved it!”

“Regardless, he-”

“There’s nothing he can do. Please leave, and don’t use your medical override code on me again.” He fished around in his mouth and pulled out a small handful of petals and the little black seeds from the center of the sunflower. Those would be in his teeth for hours.

“Perhaps if you would allow me to help-”

That seemed to be the breaking point for Kirk. At his wits end, and with no other excuse as to why he would have possibly said what he did, Kirk interrupted Spock again and shouted, “You can’t help, Spock! The problem is _you_!”

They froze.

Kirk’s anger dripped off of him like honey, heavy and slow. It took a second for his brain to catch up, but it caught up before Spock’s did and he blinked quickly. Assessing the situation, he can’t stand to leave, he’s still weak, he would just fall over, he can’t take it back, he doesn’t have access to time travel. 

“Again.” He started, quietly. “Please-” He was about to request that Spock leave again but this time Spock interrupted him.

He sounded distant, like he hadn’t fully processed what Kirk said but he was willing to try anyway. “I,” He stressed. “I am the cause for your distress.” It was a question, Kirk could tell.

He sighed. “Yeah. Bones told me you know the cause of the flowers… It’s you, Spock. It’s been you this whole time.” He pulled himself up slowly, standing at the sink. He eyed Spock warily before deeming it safe and rinsing his mouth out and cleaning his face off. 

Spock stood there, processing. 

Kirk leaned against the sink. It was too late now not to commit. “It’s always been you.” He shrugged, waved a hand. “Four years now, give or take? I wasn’t…” He sighed again and ran his hand through his still wet hair, scattering droplets against the mirror. “I didn’t actually mean to tell you. I just, I lost my cool. Listen, you don’t have to… You shouldn’t feel… I’m actually really sor-” He started a lot of sentences that he didn’t finish but that last one wasn’t his fault.

Kirk didn’t finish that last sentence because his first officer cut him off. Finally coming to his senses, Spock closed the distance between them and grabbed Kirk’s face on either side, pressing his mouth insistently against his Captain’s.

It happened so suddenly and so unexpectedly from Kirk’s point of view that Kirk didn’t react besides to grab onto Spock's wrists.

He was a bit disoriented when they separated and he swayed a little on his feet as he tried to work through what just happened, Spock lowered his hands slowly, Kirk's sliding off and hanging at his sides. “Wait, shut up.” He said, even though Spock hadn’t spoken. “Wait. Are you telling me it’s _not_ unrequited?”

“It is not.” Spock answered. Clean, succinct.

Kirk’s initial reaction was not to believe him, but there was no logical reason not to. Spock was all but shouting at him a second ago and then he kissed him. Unprompted. It was his own idea. Kirk smiled, bright and wide, near manic again despite how tired his body was. He pressed his lips to Spock’s, almost mirroring what Spock had done by grabbing his face on either side. Except Kirk was much firmer, nearly pressing his thoughts into Spock via his hands against Spock’s cheeks.

He held back from trying to deepen the kiss, parting to get himself back in order.

“Okay, wait. What does that mean?” He flushed the toilet where all the flowers and bile still sat, very unromantic, but cognizant of the fact that Spock had already seen him projectile vomit multiple times over the past two years. He grabbed his toothbrush and prepped it while gesturing at Spock, who was tinged a light olive from either the kiss or the skin contact but otherwise inscrutable again.

As Kirk brushed his teeth, Spock started with a theory. “This should indicate that the infection is unaware of the other party’s degree of attachment. It acts on the host’s level of awareness. Since you were unaware of my affections, it acted as though your feelings were unrequited.”

Kirk finished brushing his teeth and rinsed. He nodded in agreement. He led Spock out of the bathroom and into his quarters.

“Perhaps we should inform Doctor McCoy of our-”

“Later, Spock.” Kirk ordered, grabbing Spock’s neck with one hand and his waist with the other. With a clean mouth, he felt free to deepen the kiss for as long as Spock would let him. Which turned out to be just shy of two minutes.

Spock pulled away slightly, Kirk insisted on keeping his mouth on Spock so he pressed against Spock’s neck, scraping his teeth on the skin there lightly. “It does beg the question,” Spock breathed out, notably flustered.

“Does it, though?” Kirk smiled against Spock's neck.

“If the virus is unaware of the other party’s degree of affection, how is it aware of their favorite plant matter?”

Kirk grumbled against Spock’s throat, whining lightly when Spock’s hands grabbed his waist and pushed Kirk’s lower half away from him. He groaned and leaned back, looking at Spock with what he hoped was an even mix of love and exasperation. “Spock, yes, that’s a really good question. I admit, I do have a theory. And I will gladly tell you that theory later if we could just-”

“Captain, if you-”

“I swear to whatever god you do or don’t believe in, if you call me ‘Captain’ again tonight I’m going to throw you against a wall.” Kirk was rewarded with a slight uptick of Spock’s eyebrow and a tightening of Spock’s grip on his waist.

“Jim,” He continued. “If you do not tell me your theory, it will be all I think about.” 

Kirk allowed his head to thud against Spock’s chest, and what was great about that, was that Spock also allowed it. He looped both his hands around Spock’s neck and scratched his nails lightly against the skin there. He let out a breath and reasoned to himself. He’s waited this long. What was one more conversation length?

Lifting his head back up to look at Spock, he continued to complain. “I… you know what? I understand that about you, I really do, but I want you to know that I hate it and that’s not totally true, because I also kind of love it.” He dropped his hands to his sides and gestured loosely for a second. “Okay so what if the virus _could_ be aware of your level of attachment? But, because I’m the host, my instincts override it?”

“Elaborate.” Spock let go of Jim’s waist and grabbed his right wrist, guiding his hand back up to where it had been on his neck before.

Jim smiled, did not let out the laugh that threatened to break free. He licked his lips, watching Spock’s eyes follow the movement. “I have no idea what plants you like until you show outward favor. I have no input on the virus’ indication of your favorites. But, I do have input on the indication of attraction. I spent four years telling myself ‘there’s no way he likes me’ and so it reacted accordingly. I’m the host, so my instincts get priority.”

Spock, either unaware or completely in check with himself, still had one hand on Kirk’s arm that was over his shoulder, and his other hand on Kirk’s opposite wrist, thumb rubbing a smooth rhythm against Kirk’s pulse point. He thought it over and nodded, leaned forward enough that his forehead pressed softly against Kirk’s. “That is a promising theory. Perhaps if we-”

“Do you have another theory, Spock?”

“Not at the moment.”

“Okay, great! Please shut up now.” He commanded, tilting his face up and tightening his grip on Spock’s neck.

“Yes, _Captain_.”

They did inform Bones about their findings and theories later.

Some proven theories, as they had a few hours during the night to make sure none of the plant matter returned. Some still just theories, as they would have no way of replicating the previously thought 'unrequited' part of the virus.

McCoy did some scans and ran another x-ray. Since Kirk had resolved the issue right after purging the current plant matter, no new material had grown. He was root free, petal free, and currently anxiety free as Bones cleared him for the day. There was a long discussion about what would be written up in their last case-file for the medical board, with a lot of interjection of Bones just saying "I told you so". Kirk had instructions to return in the evening for another scan, just to be safe, but he was cleared to be disgusting with Spock elsewhere, away from Bones’ judgemental eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think. If the Enterprise doesn't have a pool in the gym, in an adjacent room to the main gym, it should. Enterprise can afford some extra water, besides, there's already so much recycled water on board and with the artificial gravity on the ship, like, can you imagine how fun (or extremely deadly) it would be to be in the pool room if there was a gravity malfunction?   
> Anyway I'm ranting because I'm nervous.   
> I hope everyone who stuck around with me for this whole thing enjoyed it to the end.


	8. The Way He Thinks About You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This is an entirely optional chapter to read, I found myself in a fit last night and realized I needed more closure than I had originally wrote so I bumped out a bite-sized chapter to get Spock's read on things.

“Not to sound, ungrateful, just curious,” Kirk started, hand reaching out for Spock’s in the dark. They connected and Spock placed two fingers reassuringly on Kirks. “I told you how long I’ve been in love with you and you never said anything.”

“I believed you were an ‘actions speak louder than words’ person.” Spock responded, allowing his calming emotions to leak through their skin contact, soothing the anxious buzz coming from Kirk.

He laughed lightly. “I am! For the most part. I just, also would like to hear it.”

Spock rolled on to his side in the small bed, face to face with Kirk but almost nose to nose because of the lack of space. He pressed his hand to Kirk’s jawline and tilted his head to look at him. “It is hard to place the exact time and day, I had no indicators like you did.”

“You can guess.” Kirk suggested, feeling Spock’s grip on his face tighten.

“I do not _guess_.” Spock replied, a slight uptick at the corner of his mouth. “I realized there were strong feelings for you after you returned from Delta Vega with Montgomery Scott. I had however thought my feelings were negative in nature because of how strongly I felt them.” Kirk smiled but his nervousness kept him from laughing or saying anything to interrupt. “After the successful rescue of Captain Pike, I thought at the time that I should explore these feelings. We had worked so well together and I was… eager to see if that had anything to do with the way I felt about you.”

Spock stopped momentarily and assessed Kirk, whatever he saw on Kirk’s face, he moved his hand to press his thumb at the edge of Kirk’s mouth and leaned in to kiss him gently. Pressing with his thumb when he wanted to coax Kirk’s mouth open. 

“Wait,” Kirk breathed out, minutes later and still just barely able to form words. “You weren’t done.”

“I was not.” Spock agreed, pressing a few more chaste kisses onto Kirk. One last one on his lips, one on his cheek, and one on his forehead between his brows where he held his anxiety.

Spock sat up a bit, leaning on one hand and keeping his other on Kirk, intent to soak up as much skin on skin contact as he could in their downtime. He worked his way slowly from his neck, enjoying the way Kirk tilted his head up almost unconsciously to allow Spock access, and across his chest, eventually stopping to rest his hand on Kirk’s waist.

“The strong feelings I had for you continued into our partnership and it was not until we were reassigned to other jobs that I realized I had no desire to be parted from you. Hearing that I was to be reassigned to the USS Bradbury, while it was an honor to still be part of Starfleet, I had no wish to go.” His hand started to move again, trailing back up and across Kirk’s chest, pressing hard in the center as if Spock was starting a massage. “It was only once we were starting the five year mission that I realized what my feelings actually were and I did think that maybe it would be easier if I left the Enterprise.” With his hands on Kirk’s chest he felt more than he heard Kirk’s sudden stutter of breath and he continued immediately. “As you know, I do not do things the easy way.”

Kirk smiled. He grabbed Spock’s wrist and pulled himself up into a sitting position, grabbing Spock’s face on either side softly, he _also_ really wanted to have his hands on Spock for as long as possible. “Why did you want to leave? What do you mean it would have been easier? Did I do something?”

The clear confusion on Jim’s face was ridiculous. Did he do something? When was he _not_ doing something?

Spock raised an eyebrow, and it was one of the most condescending eyebrow raises Kirk had ever witnessed and it sent him into a fit of laughter. “Okay okay yeah, I know! But I mean, specifically. What did I do that made you think about leaving?”

“Amaterasu.” It was one of the planets they had checked up on. One of the few that needed immediate reclassification. When it was first discovered, there was no life on it other than some scattered plants. Grass of sorts and small budding flowers that had dangerous pollen. But they had found water so the likelihood of reclassification was pretty strong and it was all in the mission report. But what Kirk didn’t know was how much Amaterasu had changed since the last time people had been there. He almost got killed. He was ripped into by one of the native wildlife, something like a panther but green and floral to blend with the rest of the wildlife. Spock had almost killed it.

“When that animal had you in it’s mouth I wanted to kill it. I knew it was against regulation and that we had a duty to protect new life, especially when it was just coming into existence, but I wanted nothing more than to grab its jaw and rip it open.” He was looking away from Kirk, over his shoulder and into the dark room. Kirk could see his jaw flex in the dim light. “I knew then that I was too attached. When we were back aboard the Enterprise and I was able to meditate, I realized that had you been Pike, I would have assessed the matter clearly. I would come up with an immediate disarming plan of action. But because it was you, I panicked. I got angry.”

“What made you decide to stay then?”

“You called me for dinner in sickbay. You, Doctor McCoy, and myself ate in that room and we talked about-”

“Camping in Washington. I remember that. I was off my ass on pain medication and you sat there and let me tell you about the bear I saw on the mountains in Washington.” Kirk laughed, flopped back on the bed with his arms out. “Why did that help?” He smiled, looping his arm around Spock’s anchor arm and pulling lightly. 

Spock acquiesced and moved so that he was over Kirk, arms on either side of his body. Spock really liked the soft shade of pink that sprouted from Kirk’s neck to his cheeks, flustered even though he was the one who initiated.

“That story made me think of how reckless you are. It was not just Starfleet that brought out this side of you, it was in you, and it would be in you your whole life. I realized then that, were I to leave, if I heard about your exploits second hand, thinking about you putting your life at risk every day, every mission, the way you do… I would never know peace again.”

“You would worry about me!” Kirk nearly shouted, reaching up and grabbing Spock’s face excitedly. 

“I worry about you regardless.”

“But if you left you would have no say in the matter.”

“Precisely.”

“So you stayed because you love me?” Kirk pulled softly at Spock’s face.

“I stayed because I love you.” Spock replied, intent on ending the conversation so he could cooperate with Kirk’s intentions. He grabbed the hands on his face and interlocked their fingers, moving his hands on either side of Kirk’s head, and lowering himself over Kirk so that he was effectively boxing him in and holding him down. A position he knew from earlier that Kirk absolutely melted for.

It wasn’t until they were getting up and getting dressed, Kirk for his final check up with Bones, and Spock for his shift on deck, that Kirk remembered about another question he wanted to ask. 

“So you knew from the beginning, well from when you first found out I was coughing up flowers, that I was suffering from unrequited love?”

“Yes.” Spock answered, continuing to pull on his boots, not liking where this question would go.

“If you didn’t think it was you, who did you think it was?”

Spock stood up, straightened his uniform, and turned to Jim. “I am expected on the bridge in 4.25 minutes. Excuse me.” And immediately started for the door.

“Hey! If you leave now I’m just gonna bring it up again later!”

“You of all people should know I do not respond well to threats, Captain.” He said as the door closed behind him.

“Bastard.” Kirk grumbled to himself. Spock was going to give him a heart attack.

That being said though, Jim Kirk knew what he was about, and he was definitely going to get an answer out of Spock one way or another.


End file.
